I'm Teresa Ngigi

“It is not the load that crushes us, but the way we carry it” (Lou Holtz)

Living life in our own terms means the ability to live a life that is meaningful and fulfilling despite all that is happening around us. It means the ability to define life, not allowing our circumstances or experiences to define us. It means making conscious choices and being responsible for them. Someone once said that what matters is not what happens or happened to us, but our response to it, that defines the quality of our life. We all know people who have gone through very extreme adversities, but they have been able to use these experiences to grow, to be creative, to shine, to excel, and to touch the world. We also know people who have succumbed to adversities and given up their life altogether. What distinguishes one class from the other? It all lies in our attitude towards life. Wayne Dwyer once said that when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change, and he could not have said it better.

In short, it is not the burden that crushes us, but the way we carry it.

We need to remember that whether we think we can, or we can`t, we are right.

The following is a lived experience of a lady who has faced challenging experiences, especially during the COVID-19 period. She shares how she is able to go on despite the circumstances, making choices that enhance her coping skills.

Thanks so much Mahlompho Mapalane for sharing.

HOW COVID-19 PANDEMIC AFFECTED ME & MY PERFORMANCE AT WORK

2020 started as usual. I did my annual plans and started to implement some activities according to the time frame and agreement with my immediate supervisor.  Along the way we started getting a lot of information about Covid-19. Believe me, I did not know what this information was all about, why our head office sends us lots and lots of information about this covid-19: “WHAT IS THIS CORONA VIRUS?”.

The day came when we were all called to a meeting and that each and every one of us had to come up with a strategy and how we think we would overcome this virus.  Still I did not understand what was happening.  I think I was not well informed or I did not have anybody to really share with me what was actually happening. 

The day our neighbouring country announced over the television the steps they were taking to minimize the spread of Covid-19 made it look real.  The major one that affected us was the closure of all the border gates that surrounded our small landlocked country and the restriction of movement. Shops and other businesses were closed and we had to stay at home.

We, SOS Children’s villages Lesotho could not understand, we looked at innocent children, the closed down schools, empty churches, we restricted children`s movements and they had to remain within the campus.

Now we had to come up with a strategy on how to keep them busy and beat idleness. We thought of different activities, talents, studies and engaged pastors who live within the campus.

At the same time, we taught them the rules and regulations concerning Covid-19 provided by WHO.

It became a reality now that all planned activities for raising money for the same children had to be cancelled and I had to change my approach because I still have to ensure that children have food on the table.

My way of doing things changed completely to something very new called digital fundraising, which includes, social medial, local house media, development of websites etc.

There were no more face to face meetings.  Responses to challenges that we used earlier could not be effective any longer. People started losing their jobs and could no longer support our initiatives, companies that used to support us stopped giving.

Life changed drastically, working hours were reduced, physical contact with other people became more and more restricted and sometimes not allowed at all.

This has affected my work and my organization negatively and worse still, the children whom we are not able to assist with the modem learning that is only online.  Our children do not have access to the internet and computers for online studies.

2020 was the year that I was bound to raise more money for the children but this is impossible due to the factors mentioned above.

Personally, at the same time, I am affected by the situation of my son who completed his studies in June in India. In his last year when he was meant to write his final exam, he was forced to do it electronically. I have missed him for the past four years and now this is going to be the 5^th year.  I have developed high blood pressure due to the stress that I had when all these things started and I am wondering if I will ever see my beloved son again.

What has helped me to cope?

The fact that SOS Children`s Villages was and is still operational is a great drive.  I am still receiving my full salary, except that the inflation has increased rapidly, but we are better off than others in this regard.

This experience should not leave us as we were before. It is important to grow from it, and establish strategies that help us to cope better. Having preventative measures in place is crucial. Eating healthy, exercising and reading more helps gain knowledge and skills.  Ensuring sustainable projects will help to be self-reliant, for example in producing our own food. The green house donated by Herbalife Nutrition Foundation has ensured that children have fresh vegetables throughout the year.  Keeping our own cows will help more so that we can produce our own fresh milk for the children and for generating income. We need to diversify local income, focusing on digital fundraising.

LESSONS LEARNED

Since covid-19 pandemic l learned that the whole world was affected by the same virus regardless of race, religion, status, income, etc. The world is united in following the same WHO rules and regulations. We are all in this together.

Lastly, we need to accept changes in our life, and be creative in finding solutions.

We look forward to the time when the power of love will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace (William Ewart Gladstone)

Love is as essential and indispensable as oxygen. We cannot live without it. Love has to do with both intrapsychic and interpsychic connectedness – connectedness with the self, with others, with creation, and with the entire cosmos. The less connected we are, the more powerless we are. Love is the power that makes the world go round, the power that sustains all creation. Love has to do with affection, caring, and respect. It leads to peace. People`s relationships are marked by mutual appreciation and uplifting. Love bridges huge human gaps, and opens avenues that would otherwise have remained closed. It is respect for rights and differences. It doesn’t seek to make everyone like the other, but celebrates what makes us unique. It overcomes barriers and gives meaning to life. Love sets the other person free, it does not condition them. Love has no hidden agendas, it is open and transparent. It is not defensive. When the other person doesn’t accept us, we do not hire others to destroy them, but respect their decisions, and set them free. It is a win-win relationship. A mature, responsible adult neither seeks undue power over others nor wishes to see them subjected to anyone`s controlling schemes and fantasies. This is the traditional meaning of liberty. It`s the rationale for limiting the force of governments in our lives (Lawrence Reed).

Power, on the other hand, has to do with control. Pure power corrupts, because it uses others for one`s gains. It is self-centred, at the expense of the other. It seeks to down tread the other person to submission. Power shoves things down the throats of others. If you do not abide, you are considered an enemy, and what we usually do with enemies is to eliminate them. William Graham once said: “All history is only one story to this effect. Men have struggled for power over their fellow men in order that they might win the joys of the earth at the expense of others, and might shift the burdens of life from their own shoulders upon those of others”. Even if these words were written in the 19^thcentury, they still remain so true in our world today.

In a free society, the power of love governs our mind, our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviour, instead of the love of power. Equality is at the heart of this. It affects relationships and fosters mutual responsiveness and attunement. It has everything to do with integration.

In order to be motivated by love, we need to avoid attributing power to others, and reclaim it. Citizens often give unconditional power to their governments, and this makes them powerless. When we give over our power to anyone or anything, we remain vulnerable, exposed, and can end up being abused. When we allow ourselves to be pushed about, dictated to, hemmed in, and smothered with good intentions as if we are still children, we give ourselves over to be controlled by the love of power of those who control us.

We need to tap into the power within us and reinforce it. We need to avoid giving up the only precious heritage we have, because when we do, love goes out the window, and we are marred by resentments, bitterness, anger, violence, jealousy, depression, revenge, and a life of meaninglessness. We need to strengthen our own character, to be models of integrity, and to allow the force of love to propel our lives. We need to fully understand the principles of love and liberty, so that we can convincingly defend them against the encroachments of power. We all need to join hands to replace the love of power with the power of love.

Neurons that fire together wire together (Dan Siegel)

How many of us have adolescents, are caregivers of adolescents, or are adolescents? How often have we, especially as parents, felt exasperated by the behaviour of our adolescent children? How many of us have preconceived ideas about who an adolescent is and how “immature” and “chaotic” they are?

I am a mother of two adolescents, and therefore I am learning as I go. Someone once said that doctors do not cure themselves, and I think they were right. I train caregivers worldwide on parenting skills and how to create, develop, and maintain secure attachments with children. But that does not mean I do not have my own challenges. What I am going to share here is meant to create awareness on how the adolescent brain works, so that we can all be inspired to review our perspectives, and to grow from the experience with our adolescents. The truth sets us free…

You will notice that I am not using the word teenager here, because oftentimes we think adolescence is synonymous with teenage. These are two different things. Teenage, from its actual word, is the stage between 13 and 19 years of age. Adolescence, on the other hand, is that stage between childhood and adulthood, and it goes on up until mid-twenties. Many of us ask ourselves why adolescents behave the way they do. We long for the little child we had and wonder where they went. A friend of mine was so exasperated with her adolescent daughter that she told me: “I miss my Maria, I have completely lost her. I cannot recognize the girl in my house anymore. I am mourning the loss of my little Maria”. These words express the desperation of this mother, it was difficult for her to integrate the child

Maria and the adolescent, evolving Maria because, for her, these are two different things, and not only different, but conflictual and threatening.

This article will attempt to explain what happens in the adolescent brain, in simple words, with the hope that it will clarify some misconceptions and give us a different understanding of this very dynamic and essential stage of one`s life.

The brain goes through rapid development between the ages of 9 and 14. This is a stage of great developmental changes, and great sensitivity to social evaluation and acceptance. This is the time when a child starts to pose existential questions: Who am I? Where do I belong?

According to Dan Siegel, the adolescent brain undergoes remarkable necessary changes which are essential for the survival of our species. This is where talents are developed at the fastest, which lays the foundation for a good future. The adolescent is creative and courageous, and sees little risk in what they do. The adolescent feels pulled towards independence, away from the parents. Why does this happen?

Our brain`s major role is to ensure our survival. It however has two sides: reactive and receptive. When we feel threatened, our brain goes on fight/flight/freeze/faint mode. This is explained in details in my book Breaking the Cycle – The Role of Auntie Rosie in Childhood Trauma Informed Care. When we feel threatened, we try to do everything possible to protect ourselves. This is a very primitive reaction. When we are in this condition, all other human faculties are suspended: we are not thinking about the delicious apple pie we ate last night, or the birthday gift we received last year. We are not thinking about the piano lessons we need to rehearse, or going to visit a friend. All we are thinking about is how to ensure we survive, and therefore we do everything to ensure death doesn’t occur. Our rational brain (cortex) is not in charge, but our lower/primitive brain, the limbic and brain stem, take over.

Being receptive happens when we are feeling safe, so we learn new things, we are adventurous, we connect with others, we enjoy the pleasures of life, etc. This promotes secure attachment.

Dan Siegel talks about the 4 S`s that enhance attachment, and adolescents, just like everyone else, needs them. We all need to be:

Seen: the adolescent needs to feel that they are seen, that their real experiences are being felt, that they are not being judged purely on their behaviour. They need to feel that others exercise empathy, that they can put themselves into their moccasins and see the world from their perspective.

Safe: Adolescents, just like everyone else, needs to feel safe with the adults that care for them. They need to be supported to make sense of what is happening in their life. They need to know that they can count on their caregivers. Caregivers need to be consistent. They should not cause terror to the adolescent – this can lead to disorganized attachment, where the caregiver, who is charged with the responsibility of protecting the adolescent, is the one causing terror – so the adolescent escapes from the terror yet has to return to their caregiver for comfort and protection.

Soothed: The adolescent needs to know that the caregiver is there to soothe them when they are in distress. They need to know that they can count on their caregivers to offer them the emotional support they need, even when they pull away from them.

Secure: The adolescent needs to be reassured that even when there is a rupture of the relationship, there is a possibility of repair, and relationships can be restored, and that the caregiver is present to offer this buffer when there has been an interruption to the relationship. They need to feel that they have a place to call “home” – in all senses of the word.

When the adolescent pushes the caregiver away, they go to look for these 4 S`s in their peers – they feel they need to leave the nest, and in order for this to happen, they need to be accepted and attached to a group. That is why peers are more important than caregivers. As caregivers, however, we need to reassure them that we are available to give them all these, but it is OK for them to go out and interact with their friends. Keeping anger and exasperation because the adolescent will not open up to us will only complicate things, so caregivers need to be grounded and whole, so that the adolescent may feel safe to return to the “base”.

Caregivers need to support adolescents in the process of integration – this means differentiating and linking, not merging. Integration gives rise to harmony, and despite the challenges, the foundation is not shaken. It means the different parts are brought together, because the whole is greater than the sum of the different parts.

During adolescence, the brain goes through what Dan Siegel calls remodelling. This process involves two factors: pruning and myelination. In pruning, the adolescent brain gets rid of neurons that are not being used, which gives rise to differentiation. Myelination on the other hand enables nerve cells to transmit information faster, allowing for more complex brain processes. This is vitally important to healthy central nervous system functioning. These two factors are crucial in the development of the adolescent brain, as they set the foundation for the future.

Adolescence is the period where one picks up new information in an incredibly fast way, and at the same time, it is the healthiest stage in one`s life. The adolescent body has the ability to fight disease that is higher than any other stage. However, it is also the stage where more accidents happen. This is because the adolescent brain interprets things through the limbic area. The cortex – the rational part of the brain, in adolescence, is still in the process of development.

Something that might be non-threatening is seen as a threat. For instance, severally, when I compliment my daughter for something I genuinely recognize, she wonders why I would be doing that. Sometimes I could say something like “Are you OK” and she would look at me and ask me: “Why shouldn`t I? What are you insinuating? And I find myself wondering where that came from.

We often complain about the mood of the adolescents. This has a neurological explanation. The dopamine (feel good hormone) baseline is lower than in adults, while the release of dopamine is high. This is why they get bored very fast, and tend to engage in risky behaviour because there lies the hype. Happiness doesn’t seem to last long in adolescents. Pros of their actions are magnified while the cons are underestimated, hence the risky choices they make without thinking of the consequences. Many times these risky behaviours are meant to impress their peers. Caregivers need to have this understanding so that they can know how to support the adolescents. Helping them to understand these dynamics guides them to make healthy choices. We need to be role models to them, so that they can integrate the different parts of their life, and act from there. Development of their intuition helps them to avoid acting solely based on their emotions. They need to learn mindset skills, heart coherence, in order to uncover the values and goodness that lies within. This serves as the compass that guides them in their actions.

Mindfulness helps promote neuroplasticity, the process by which the brain undergoes structural or physiological changes, so that healthy neurons are developed, and through neurogenesis – the process by which new nervous system cells, (neurons), are produced, the process is enhanced. It helps the adolescent to go inside themselves, through introspection, in order to find their reason of being, and to be propelled by the inside, as opposed to the outside.

Caregivers need to develop the 4 S`s themselves, and not to be in competition with the adolescents. It is possible that the caregiver`s inadequacy is triggered when adolescents act the way they do, and this is a wake up call so that we can evaluate ourselves and make adjustments where necessary, in order for us to grow together. We need to choose our battles!

Adolescence is a period marked with great potential, and when we are relating with our adolescents, let us also allow ourselves to learn from them and grow, because if we stop growing, our demise begins. Let us focus on the good opportunities they have, and the good they do, as opposed to constantly focusing on the negative. This boosts dopamine. We need to allow them to develop their talents, as this is the best time to do so, and as said earlier, this is the basis of not only their future, but the future of our species.

I thank my two adolescents for teaching me so much, and for challenging me in many situations, because it keeps me on my toes and all of us know that we are in this together.

The physical body is not truly ours. It belongs to planet earth. We can call it our own while we reside in it, but it does not belong to us (Pierre de Chardin)

My mother taught us that God is at the centre of our being. She was a perfect example of seeking God. At the time, the popular concept was that we had to seek God in order to relate with Him. Going to church was equated with finding God. If you did not go to church, then there was something wrong with you. The church was where God lived.

This concept gave rise to several interpretations about our spirituality. It appeared as if God was out there, and you had to go out of your way to find Him. This separation implied that we are physical human beings who had to seek the Divine and invite It to come and dwell within us. We had to keep repeating this invitation in order to ensure that the Divine stayed in us.

I remember feeling guilty when I did not feel “divine” as I was growing up. I was made to believe that being divine was an emotion that I had to feel, especially when I went to church, more so when I received holy communion. I could not tell anyone about this because I was so ashamed of it.

The world of dualism often implies that a lot of effort is needed in order to integrate the different parts. It implies dichotomy. Dichotomy often gives rise to struggle. When we experience separation, it impacts on the quality of our life and our relationships. There is so much unhealthy competition in our world, where only the fittest survive. Dualism denotes lack and limitation. We are always chasing after something more, we have insatiable desire for fulfilment, we are always struggling for the next level. We chase things, and often, the more we have, the more we feel we need. We lack time – the most precious commodity – and are always in a hurry. We feel conditioned by so many things, and we end up living either in the past or in the future.  

Today, thankfully, we have a better understanding of our spirituality. Spirituality is the here and now. In the Bible, when God called Moses out of the burning bush, and Moses asked him who He was, He answered: I am who I am – meaning, I am the present, the here and now. Time has no significance to God, because He is the Spirit.

When we believe that we are spiritual beings in a human body, we focus on the things that really matter. Every moment is precious because it carries grace. We are integrated. We embrace ourselves the way we are and work towards growth, because spirit moves, it is not static. We appreciate ourselves as we are, without comparing ourselves with other people. We take care of ourselves because we believe in our worth – which is not external but internal. Everything external only serves to intensify what is internal. We see the world through the eyes of a child – we marvel at everything we see, and take delight in the most banal things. We respect ourselves, others, and the cosmos, because everything is connected. Our wellbeing impacts on the wellbeing of others, and others` wellbeing impacts on ours. We do not allow ourselves to be confined – because the spirit is free – it has no boundaries. Love propels our very essence. We are freed from greed and unhealthy competition, which breeds hate, disease, and resentments. When we experience separation from others, when there are disputes, when we harbour anger and resentment, when we refuse to forgive, we are living against the divine in us – we do not feel well, because we have broken the channel that makes us whole. The knot in our stomach and other unpleasant sensations show us that there is some blockage, flow has been interrupted. It is only when we restore the flow, when we repair, that we can feel whole again.

We see everything with eyes of appreciation. We do not stop at external beauty, but at what lasts forever.

Our nature is cooperation, not competition. Our physical body is like a car. The spirit inhabits this body, and instructs it on what to do, where to go, and how to do everything. The spirit will not mislead us.

If we believe that we are spiritual beings with a human experience, then we shall be connected with ourselves and with each other intimately. Our incarnation is the culmination of this inner connectedness – the divine becoming human. Jesus himself was the perfect example of this – His incarnation explicitly showed this union. He was close to everything that surrounded Him. What humanity did to Him did not change who He was. His message is very clear.

When we stop to connect with our innermost being, we experience freedom – time becomes irrelevant – we receive all inspiration, and we are at home. We connect with our true nature, which is divine, and get direction on how to live our physical life. We feel one with others, with the cosmos. There is no separation, we are not afraid, because we are unmovable. Our happiness and peace become less and less dependent on the outside world. This gives us the strength to live every situation in our life with motivation and enthusiasm. We become love, peace, and happiness, because we merge with everything else, and whatever happens in our life only strengthens that conviction. We exercise unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, peace, happiness, and harmony. Then we live forever.

When I accept myself as I am, then I can change (Carl Rogers)

Most of us were taught that virtue lies in beating ourselves up. This is also called self-flagellation. How many times have you found yourself saying: “I am so stupid!” after making a mistake? This is what we learned – to equate what we are with what we do. This, to me, is the worst disaster in human development because it camouflages our real identity. And what is that identity?

We have learned to always strive for more, we cannot afford to be satisfied, we have to keep acquiring more and more, and the more we acquire, the more likely we are to be unhappy – it is a self-fulfilling prophecy and a vicious cycle. When we strive to become infallible and to retain our position at the top, we cannot escape suffering (Emma Seppala). We have learned that we MUST be the BEST, and sometimes, at all costs. This perpetuates unhappiness and loneliness because we treat ourselves harshly when we do not measure up.

How many of us had some experience of being compared to another person? As a child, I remember being told: “Why can`t you be like Regina? She is so good mannered, excels in school, and helps her mother a lot at home”. This made me start looking at Regina with contempt – she was the object of my humiliations. I felt inadequate, I could not measure up, there was something wrong with me. I learned to dislike myself, to always compete in an unhealthy way, to want to be at the top – this is the only version that was acceptable. When I was able to beat Regina, I was happy, because now I could ward off painful feelings of inadequacy. So, I learned that self-esteem lies in competing successfully.

It is practically impossible to always be at the top, and for most of us, when we lose, we start doubting ourselves, being extremely self-critical. When others criticize us, we become even more defensive, and enraged. We become insecure, anxious, and our inner peace is replaced by stress. This can lead to stress and a sense of worthlessness, powerlessness, loneliness, vengeance, and even physical problems. When we are under stress, our sympathetic nervous system shifts to the fight/flight mode. Stress hormones (adrenalin and cortisol) are released, putting our brain on the survival mode. When we are on survival mode, other faculties in our systems shut down, because all energy is concentrated on the danger at hand. We therefore find it difficult to learn, to reason, to reach out to others, and fail to see the opportunities at hand. How do we change the trajectory of our life for the good? The answer lies in self-compassion. In self-compassion, feel good hormones (oxytocin etc.) are triggered, hormones involved in caregiving, affiliation, and love, which leads to see our worth despite what we have done or not done, and extend this to others.

Self-compassion involves re-learning about our loveliness and worth. When we come into this world, we do not have preconceived ideas about who we are – we are open to everything, we view everything with open eyes, ready to receive and absorb whatever is offered to us. We are born impeccable. We are worthy, we are lovely, we are adorable. How many times have we used these words when we look at a baby? And we mean it… We need to return to this state – we are love; we are sacred. If you reorganize the letters in the word “scared”, it becomes “sacred” – and that is what we discover of ourselves when we let go of fear and anxiety.

We need to be our best friend. This means that we need to exercise patience on ourselves. Jesus said: “Love your neighbour as you love yourself” – implying that we need to love ourselves first, and well, in order to extend this to others. We cannot give what we do not have. When our family members, friends, or acquaintances make mistakes, we tend to excuse them, to empathize with them, to be patient with them. Why can`t we exercise the same on ourselves?

Self-compassion does not mean avoiding our goals or being complacent to our flaws, or becoming self-indulgent, but it is a great motivator that leads us to see things as they really are – that we are both divine and human, and that it is normal to have weaknesses. It helps us to alleviate suffering, to heal, and be happy. It helps us to authentically reach out to others in compassion, because we know what it really means. It means taking responsibility of our own life, opening up to the Spirit that is in us for guidance – connecting with our entelechy (that part of divine me that sustains, loves, and guides me, the purpose of my being).

When we exercise self-compassion, we have a good relationship with failure – we see it as an opportunity to learn, to become better. Lack of self-compassion may lead to bitterness, resentments, and anger, which leads to self-defence or self-flagellation. Instead, with self-compassion, we view failure with calm and embrace it as part of our being human.

Self-compassion helps us to invest our energy in the right place. When we over-criticize ourselves, a lot of energy goes in there, and we feel depleted. With self-compassion, we maintain peace of mind and serenity of heart, thereby seeing more clearly what we can learn from the situation facing us. We therefore experience a sense of well-being and become of service to others.

Self-compassion helps us to accept the fact that we are enough. Our value lies in who we are, not on the approval or validation of others. Some of us may have learned to always be there for others, at the expense of our own needs. We therefore literally “deny ourselves, take up our cross” and follow other people`s needs. This can lead to resentments because at one point, we feel taken advantage of, misused, abused, and even mistreated. We alone can break this cycle by believing that we are enough, and whatever we do is born out of conviction, and we accept ourselves, warts and all, without giving in to self-flagellation.

Self-compassion can be learned. Stop everyday and spend some time with yourself in meditation, appreciate yourself, affirm yourself, and recognize the divine that is in you. Mindfulness helps us to be in touch with our deepest self, the discovery of our entelechy, and gives us a sense of infinite goodness. Just like when a child is learning to walk. When they fall, they do not beat themselves up, but get up immediately and continue, until they stop wobbling and reach their goal.

We need to be role models of self-compassion for others, we cannot underestimate what this can do to others. We need to be Auntie Rosie to ourselves and to other people (Read what this means in my book: Breaking the Cycle). If we treat ourselves with compassion, we shall consequently treat others in the same way.

Exercising gratitude on a regular basis even for the most minute things is important and it boosts self-compassion. This is the recognition that there is so much good happening in our life. It brings acceptance, balance, and harmony in our life, and leads us to invest our energy on what really matters, since what we pay attention to and practice grows stronger.

Let`s be kind to ourselves, and we shall be amazed at the way our life takes a shift towards fulfilment. Self-care is part of self-compassion. Let`s dispute those limiting beliefs that we have harboured in our lives, that caring for ourselves is selfish, and shift towards seeing our sacredness and taking responsibility to preserve it.

If you are a parent, remember that you deserve to take time for yourself, have the courage to say and do exactly that without feeling guilty. We need to practice the warmth and tenderness we give to our families on ourselves as well. As parents, we make mistakes, and beating ourselves up and constantly getting stuck in regret does not serve us or our families at all. Let`s not judge ourselves harshly or indulge in self-pity. Acknowledge what you have done, make amends, and move on.

If you are a worker, have the courage to say no when others demand your attention and you feel you would be sacrificing self-care at this expense. You cannot be all things to all people, boundaries are important. If we care for ourselves, we see clearly what needs to be done to contribute to the world we live in without feeling resentful or overwhelmed.

Let us remember that we are not alone in this, we have never been alone, irrespective of whether we feel it or not – our entelechy is with us, the divine, as well as other people – we are in this together, and together we shall overcome. Let`s not go down the self-pity avenue of “why me”, or “poor me”, but exercise the gift of who we really are, and live our life to the fullest, for this is why we are here.

When we blame, we put pandemonium back into the pandemic.

It is your fault!

How many times have we heard this phrase? How many times have WE used it?

Most of us have been brought up with the mentality to shift blame onto someone or something. Remember when you spilt milk on the floor and your mother came back and asked: Who did this? The spontaneous response was: It wasn’t me! And that obviously implied that it was someone else`s fault. And then we learned to deny our responsibility by putting the blame on anything outside of us.

Why do we blame others?

Here are some reasons why this is such a pervasive defence mechanism:

• Self-protection– when we exonerate ourselves from something, we feel safe. Owning up to mistakes can expose our vulnerability and that does not feel safe, so we shift negative focus from ourselves to other people or situations. It temporarily saves us from the feelings of guilt, shame and responsibility
• Sense of control – when our anger is triggered, and we say mean things to the person we have in front of us, we tend to blame them for causing us to say such things – so it implies that we did not lose control, the other person made us do what we did. The reality is that you felt powerless in the heat of the moment and lost it. The other person only served as a trigger, but the anger that was triggered is inside you
• Masks our fragility – we are afraid to expose our humanness and weakness, so we blame others to show that we are strong – to boost our ego in order to validate the fact that we are right. There is a scared child inside us that needs to protect itself
• Excusing one`s actions – when we blame, we justify the choices we make. For instance, when we hurt another person, we show that we did it not out of our choice, but the other person made us hurt them. Here, let`s look at abusers. Often, they blame those they abuse for being or behaving in certain ways that provoke them. A sexual abuser once told me that he abused a girl because she was dressed inappropriately and therefore he could not help it
• To attack another person – this could be unconscious, a deeply rooted style we have developed that we may not even be aware of. I was counselling a young man who was caught in robbery with violence. He told me that he decided to attack the rich because it was not justified that the rich have more than they need yet he was struggling to get by. He said he did not like the rich man in the first place, and attacking him was the right thing to do
• It removes inhibitions – when we blame, we remove our brain`s natural inhibitions that are there to prevent us from hurting other people. We build a thought pattern that allows us to act in a way that our moral compass would not allow us. For instance, when I was living in Nairobi, a neighbor used to make life difficult for everyone and was often provocative. One evening, the other neighbors decided to get together to confront him because no amount of talking diplomatically yielded any fruits. They surrounded him in the courtyard, and he got even more verbally nasty. Neighbors that were otherwise well respected, diplomatic, high level people started yelling at him and a couple hurled blows at the man. Everyone blamed this particular neighbor for “causing” these respectable people to act they way they did
• It`s a learned habit – For some, this has developed into an ingrained habit and they may not even be aware of it. This is very risky because it implies that the person is powerless and helpless, being propelled by a power greater than themselves.

Blaming is a dangerous game because it prevents us from looking at ourselves genuinely and addressing our own issues. When we blame, we put pandemonium back into the pandemic. It stifles our growth, and camouflages who we really are.

How do we stop blaming?

• Recognize and accept every time you shift blame
• We all make mistakes, and it is not what happens to us that determines who we are, but how we respond to it, because this is where our power lies
• Take a deep breath – reflect before you blame someone else or act in a defensive way
• View the situation as an opportunity for learning and growth
• Keep things in perspective – sometimes we blow things out of proportion, making mountains out of molehills. Take responsibility, and move on. Sweeping things under the carpet has the opposite effect. Own up, life is larger than that small experience
• Shift from Victim to Conqueror – you are powerful beyond measure, your playing small does not serve you or the world. Do not allow yourself to play victim for anyone or any situation
• Change beliefs – most of us have learned from our childhood that you have to appear perfect, and blaming helps you save your face. We need to dispute these limiting beliefs and see ourselves for what we really are – human as well as divine
• Remember that you are the only thinker in your own head – you can decide where to focus your thoughts. What we pay attention to grows and expands
• Look at the reasons why you blame. Are you afraid, angry, jealous, anxious? Once you recognize this, then name it, tame it, and claim it. Work on developing your sense of self-worth. You do not need to be anything to anyone. You are YOU. Period
• Know what you can control and what you cannot. This helps you choose your battles
• Invest your energy elsewhere – blaming drains our energy and leaves us feeling awful. Decide to put that energy into something more constructive.

Remember, you do not need to prove anything to anyone. You are unique, and do not be tempted to conform, break the chains that imprison you, and you will be amazed at how wonderful opportunities will present themselves for you. Be compassionate with yourself, and allow yourself to be YOU!

When we change the way we look at things,
the things we look at change (Wayne Dyer).

Between stimulus and response there is a space
In that space is our power to choose our response
In our response lies our growth and freedom (Victor Frankl)

Grief is an experience that most of us have gone through. Grief comes as a result of loss – it is a deep or intense sorrow or distress. Sometimes grief can feel overwhelming. When we are grieving, it seems like it will never end. The pain is excruciating. We may experience loss of a loved one, loss of control, loss of a job or livelihood, loss of a pet, loss of a friendship or a relationship, shattered dreams, uncertainty, loss of our health, among others. We all can identify with one of these losses, but the way grief affects us is unique to each individual.

When we are grieving, the relationship between the amygdala and the frontal lobe of the brain, which is responsible for emotions and stress response, is activated. This interrupts the normal brain function, changing brain chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, hormones that work to keep our system functioning smoothly. Grief throws them off balance.

Grief affects our limbic system, which is the system of nerves and networks in the brain, as well as the prefrontal cortex (Burnette, 2018). This can interfere with the way we regulate our emotions, concentration, ability to multitask, and memory. Hormonal changes can also affect eating and sleeping patterns, causing anxiety and restlessness.

Below are some other ways grief can affect us:

• Emotions– when we are grieving, our emotions go through a rollercoaster, shifting from anger, depression, fear, anxiety, sorrow, etc.
• Fatigue– stress hormones drain our energy
• Low immune system
• Inflammation– when the immune system responds to a threat, it makes the tissues in our body swell
• Digestion– stress hormones interfere with the digestive track, this could lead to irritable bowel syndrome
• Sleep– trouble falling asleep or waking up often at night due to anxiety, fear, etc.
• Aches and pains – muscle tension caused by the stress hormones
• Elevated heart rate – caused by anxiety or the release of cortisol
• Broken Heart Syndrome – jolt of intense emotions can trigger hormones that lead to a sharp chest pain and trouble breathing. Heart may not pump blood as well as before. This can feel like a heart attack
• Risk of resorting to addictive patterns – this can be used as a coping mechanism/self-medication.

It is important, however, to remember that we human beings are extremely resilient. We have the capacity to return to homeostasis after disruption of our nervous system. It is important to understand how grief is affecting us: when we name it, we can tame it, and claim it. We need to be patient with ourselves – it is normal to feel the way we feel. Self-care is very important here. Exercising, eating healthy, having a good routine, and taking time for mindfulness is part of self-care. Using positive self-talk and affirmations goes a long way. Reaching out to loved ones plays a major role in recovery. We can also reach out to others who are grieving and be of support to them. It has a double effect.

Following is a personal experience of grief that changed the way I view myself, others, and life in general.

It was on 18^thNovember, 2001 at 01.30 when my phone buzzed. I awoke from a deep sleep and recognized the number – it was my baby brother`s who was 22 at the time. However, he was not on the phone, his friend was, and he was trembling. He informed me that they had been involved in an accident. My first question was: “Where and how is Jack?” He only said: “He is here”! And then I knew something had gone very wrong. Without thinking, I asked for their location, put on my jeans, grabbed my eye glasses, took the car keys and woke my niece up and we rushed out. We arrived at the scene of the accident in 5 minutes, driving at 180km/h. Thankfully, at that time of the night, the streets were empty. When I got there, a small number of people had congregated, and I rushed through them to check on my brother, who was hanging with the torso out of the driver`s window and the legs on the driver`s seat. I checked his pulse, and I was convinced there was one, so I asked people to help me put him in my car, and I rushed him to the hospital together with my niece and his friend. I did not even think of calling the ambulance or the police. When I got to the hospital, which was 5 minutes away, we rushed to the ER and requested a gurney. They placed my brother on it, and the doctor gave me one look as to say: “Are you serious?” He told me that I was carrying a dead body, but I insisted that they examine him. I actually told him that he was not a body – he was my brother. They said there was nothing they could do so they asked me to wait for the cops. I decided otherwise, we put him back into the car and went to a second hospital, and they told us the same. In desperation, we decided to take him to a private morgue, but when we got there, they told us they could not accept his body as it was a police case, so we went to the public one and found the cops waiting for us. They looked at me in shock and asked: “Are you the lady driving around with a dead body? Don`t you know it is illegal to do so?” I screamed: “This is not a dead body, this is my brother!” They saw the shock I was in and empathized with me. The morgue attendants came and laid my brother on a gurney, put a tag on his ankle, and made me fill in some forms. Then they asked us to go home.

We got back home at 04.00, sat on the couch, and WHOA! It dawned on me that it was not a dream. My brother was no more, and I had been driving around the city with his body for close to 3 hours! And then I broke down.

The adrenal and cortisol levels had kept me moving, I was on fight and flight, and totally numb. But when these stress hormones depleted, I came to terms with what was happening.

What followed was a series of deaths in my family – my mother died less than four months after my brother (March 2002) – the grief was too much for her. After another 4 months, I lost yet another sister to a terminal illness (August 2002). I thought it would be enough, but I was mistaken. The following year, in February 2003, my younger sister died of a car crash. In 14 months, I lost 4 very close family members: a brother, mom, and two sisters.

How did I cope? You may ask.

It was a long painful process. I got angry, very angry, and wondered why a loving God could allow such a thing to happen. Why did He keep the angel of death in our house? Why couldn’t this angel move to other places? Why had he camped in our homestead? There were so many unanswered questions. After that period, I became paranoid about any phone call from family or friends, because I expected the worst.

I vacillated between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kubler Ross). My family went through a very difficult time, but we were there for each other, we emotionally encouraged each other. We had to make sense of what was happening. The temptation for conspiracy theories was rife, but I decided I was not going down that road. But I knew the reason for this – it is because human beings NEED to make sense of what happens in their lives, and so any reason is better than none at all.

My prior relationship with death was one of fear and dread. And when it struck home, I had to embrace it.

I have grown out of that experience, it changed the way I view myself, others, and the world. My spirituality intensified, and I decided to pay less attention to what I don’t have and more to what I have.

Grief strikes us but we need to develop those internal and external protective factors that help us deal with it in a constructive way. We do not succumb to hopelessness, for we are transitioning in this life, and there is no life without death. We need to learn to accept the little deaths we go through in our daily life. So it is our responsibility to do the best we can while we can, as tomorrow may be too late. And as Victor Frankl says, we always have a choice on what we pay attention to. And I chose and still choose life as opposed to death!

The only constant thing in life is change (Heraclitus)

We all face change every moment of our life, whether it is a simple change or a major one.  The way we respond to change is dependent on several factors including:

• The nature/kind of change and whether it makes sense to us or not
• Our emotional state
• Our beliefs about, perception of, and attitude towards change
• Presence or absence of a support system
• The impact the change will have on us
• Our spiritual state
• Coping strategies
• Etc. etc.

The global situation we are all living through has brought significant changes in the way we view/know ourselves, others, and the cosmos, and our relationship to these. This situation has showed the uncertainty of our life. Most of us had plans that embraced the entire year, but those plans have been remarkably affected by this uncertainty. And the game is not over yet.

The reopening of the lockdown in many countries is causing yet another wave of change. We cannot continue doing things the way we used to prior to the epidemic. There are major adjustments that need to be made. There is a new but rapidly changing reality that we have to contend with, we are unsure of what is going to happen next.

Most people want to recover and have their lives back. This is human nature, we have a need to be in control, and to make sense of what happens in our life. When these factors are lacking, we are thrown into disarray, and we feel uprooted from our foundation.

Some people are experiencing high levels of anxiety to go out – what will happen? Shall I be infected? Will I be able to do what I need to do? Wearing masks is a new norm, shall I get used to this lifestyle? This is causing remarkable irritability and crankiness, already evident in many locations. The stress levels are high. The other day, out of my studio window, I witnessed a verbal “fight” between two motorists. One had briefly stopped to allow a passenger to get off the car, and the other was behind him. It took the outgoing passenger less than a minute to get off, but the one behind him started hurling tough words at the driver in front of him. The one who was shouted at retaliated, and the shouting match became a real drama. It attracted the attention of several people, and everyone was shouting their opinion out loud. As I observed this event, I closed my window and sat to reflect, and this inspired me to write this article.

It is undeniable that there is so much uncertainty, but anxiety, fear, and aggression do not help improve the situation. Following are a few tips that could help to deal with this reality.

• Manage expectations: Most of our disappointments come from the expectations we place on ourselves, others, and life. We need to be realistic in our expectations, and also readjust them time and again
• Do what is in your power to do – there are things we can change, others we cannot. It is important to understand what we can do, and do it. Once we have done our very best, we leave the rest to the Higher Power
• Watch against falling back to addictive patterns and behaviors as a coping mechanism or self-medication. This only makes things worse
• Watch your thoughts – our thoughts give rise to how we feel, and this propels behavior, which ultimately defines our character and destiny. Mind what you think. A thought that you think over and over again becomes a belief, and this determines your attitude towards everything
• Focus on the positive things in your life, and express gratitude even for the most banal thing. You cannot be grateful and depressed at the same time
• Reach out to others – whenever we offer a hand to another person, we feel much better. Giving boosts our overall sense of wellbeing, and we help someone in need
• Replace stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, glucagon, prolactin,…) with good hormones (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins…) through gratitude, mindfulness, doing fun activities, connecting with others in a healthy way, exercising, bonding, etc.
• Meditate– Russell Simmons reckons that meditation introduces us to the part of ourselves that has been missing – we cannot underestimate our potential! Meditation helps us to be in touch with this and also to focus on the present moment.

These are a few tips on how to deal with change. Remember that change is a normal part of life. We however need to remember that we are extremely resilient as human beings, and adaptive to what happens. Having an open mind will help us grow out of this experience, and make us better and not bitter.

Practice living life with an attitude of gratitude and embrace change as an opportunity for continuous renewal and growth.  

Please share your views and experiences below – you just never know who you can inspire!

We are living in an era where self-retrospection is extremely important. Our life, as we have known it, is drastically changing, as it is reduced to its foundation. It has taken us back to that place – physical and mental – where we have the opportunity to assess and evaluate the status quo. We have been too busy, doing “indispensable” things and some of us, unfortunately, living our life on a cut throat style. Now we are discovering that what seemed indispensable is really not, and we can still live on with less haste than before, and still live quality lives.

This experience is changing the way we view ourselves, others, and our cosmos. Even if we return to “normal”, life will never be the same again. There are lessons that we have learned now that can never be unlearned, whether we choose to follow the wisdom derived from this or not.

Prior to this, we have been living extremely stressful lives, full of anxiety and fear (fear is anticipated pain), and highly competitive. We thought we would  not survive if we slowed down, but we have been proved wrong.

We are having an opportunity to confront our own mortality – we are finite beings, and whatever the method, we shall all leave this world. When our time comes – and no one has any idea when it will be – what would we like as our epitaph?

This is the time to take our cameras and adjust the lenses so that we can see clearly. This is a golden chance to stand on a higher level and widen our horizon. We need to adjust our camera in order to focus, focus on what is important and essential. We have the chance to do so, away from the hustles and bustles of the outside world. We have been able to shut out the outside noise so that we can confront ourselves. It is the time for enlightenment, we have the chance of becoming wiser.

We need to be able to identify the pin that can pop our complacency balloon, because it needs to be deflated. The uncertainty we see around shows us that the only constant thing in our life is change, and embracing change will make us fully alive, giving us the priceless ability to prioritize.

It is time to avoid catastrophic thinking, every form of death brings life, and whatever is dying in us, should not paralyze us, but mobilize us!

Cause and effect is something we have heard over and over again in our life. When we were in high school, we were taught about it – it means noting a relationship between actions or events such that one or more are the result of the other/s. In other words, every action has its own consequences. In CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), we talk about the Cognitive Triangle:

Put in very simple terms, it means that a specific life situation which we perceive through our senses triggers memories of the same or similar experience in the past, which gives rise to our thoughts. These thoughts trigger emotions, often familiar ones, and this propels one to act. This cycle is repeated over and over again until we develop character which in turn defines our destiny.

Our beliefs play a major role in how we think, feel, and act. A thought that we keep thinking over and over again is highly likely to become a belief. This means that we need to review our beliefs and enhance those that serve us, while we dispute those which do not. This way, we shall be able to change our thoughts and consequently be in charge of our choices, living our life in our own terms.

Some of us have deep rooted beliefs that hamper our growth. These may be from our past experiences, from what society has taught us, from our families, from religion, among other sources. However, there comes a time when we reach a point of no return, when we see the light, and when our life is changed forever. This can be through a person, an event, an inner experience, something we read or listen to, or a memory, like in the case of Auntie Rosie, cited in my book Breaking the Cycle – The Role of Auntie Rosie in Childhood Trauma Informed Care.

Our spirituality is important here – and remember spirituality is not synonymous with religion. Faith is not bound to a religion. Religion can be an expression of our faith, but it is not the same as faith. And as someone said:

Our faith can move mountains, while our doubts can create them.

Following is a story of faith and hope in the process of becoming fully alive.

Thanks Samia for sharing this.

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”  

It was late August when I met Dr. Teresa Ngigi. She gave us training as SOS Staff in Mental Health & Psychosocial Support, it was the best 5 days I ever had & Teresa`s personality just added depth to the training. The training was the spark I needed to ignite my interest in all that is related to psychology and healing.

When it comes to education I was always the girl who had this feeling that she just entered the best candy store on earth or the most fascinating amusement park of all time.  

I have enrolled in the university to get a psychology degree, I spend my days and hours reading psychology, spiritual healing, energy healing and psychic books and blogs. I am reading about the latest techniques in the fields of counseling, psychotherapy, psychology, spiritual and energy healing and am in awe at the width and depth of the knowledge in these fields. I don’t feel intimidated by the amount of information in them but I have a yearning to be able to delve into the ocean of knowledge present in them and I have a little prayer that the doors of such knowledge open to me.

I have a new mission in life to be among the best psychologists, spiritual and energy healers of all time. I just don’t want only to be the best, I want to be the number one authority in those fields, and I want to alleviate suffering, and heal the troubles, worries, mend the broken hearts and breathe new air of tranquility into the soul of any person who is undergoing any sort of difficulty.

My focus and scope isn’t only local but I want it to extend to the international level, I heard of stories of healing carried out by John of God, Barbara Brennan, Donna Eden, Matthew Manning, Milton H. Erickson, Wilhelm Reich, Carl Rogers, Marsha M. Linehan, Aaron T. Beck, Albert Ellis and others.

There is a gap that exists between science, religion and spirituality and I think that gap shouldn’t exist at all. I want to combine science, spirituality and religion in my work and build a bridge between them.

I spent two years reading philosophy, and studying for international relations and diplomacy. I acquired a Masters degree in political philosophy, I studied media for my undergraduate degree and all that was preparing me for my new found passion in psychology, spiritual and energy healing field. If I go by this pace by the time I finish my psychology degree I will be on top of my game and become a master at my chosen field God willing.

I was changed for better because of Dr. Teresa. Just in a few months, I didn’t know any of this and now just look at how far I have come. I believe that in the years to come, by God’s grace, I will write a new chapter in my life.

‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.’ (Viktor Frankl).

Samia Hassan is from Somaliland, and works as youth coach in SOS Children`s Villages Somaliland. She studied in Somaliland and Cairo. She has worked in different humanitarian organizations in different capacities. She contributes to the wellbeing of the young people not only in SOS Children`s Villages, but in Somaliland as a whole.