I'm Teresa Ngigi

Sometime back, we talked about forgiveness and how beneficial it is to our growth and peace of mind. Today we shall discuss a similar topic but with a different twist. Letting go of blame. What does this do? It allows us to be free and to take our power back. When we let go of blame, we acknowledge that someone or something else does not have the ability to determine our life experiences. How often do you blame others for your shortcomings?

How often do you blame circumstances for your stress and frustrations? We have all been there and done that. We blame our parents, our siblings, our bosses, the weather, our friends, the economy, the whole enchiladas but we forget that we have the power and no one and nothing can take it away. How often do you blame yourself? Is blaming yourself ok? Why do we blame ourselves? Because we made mistakes? What is so wrong with making honest mistakes? We are human, right? Do we expect to be perfect? If so, we are on the wrong planet.

Blaming others and ourselves is reinforced in our culture. We experience it as we grow up and it almost becomes part of us. Blame is really about avoiding responsibility. It is seductive. It makes us right and those we blame wrong. It may even make you feel better for a moment or so. However, in the long run, holding blame only hurts us, it keeps us stuck and halts our evolution. When we blame others, we avoid seeing the truth about ourselves. When we focus on what someone else did wrong, we are not able to see our part and learn about what we need to do differently going forward. When we carry blame, we carry anger too

Blame is a limiting energy. It damages our wellbeing and causes conflict. It keeps us stuck in the past, re-living old patterns and expecting different results. It creates a feeling of victimhood, robbing us our sense of peace that is found deep within each of us. Blame focuses on reproach. So, what can we do and how can we unlearn assigning blame? Letting go of blame requires that we take full responsibility for ourselves and our emotions. We indeed play a part in every situation we experience and we have the power to choose again. We allow ourselves the emotions we wish to experience. We must recognize that no one and nothing can make us feel a certain way unless we allow it. We must empower ourselves with this knowledge.

Releasing blame takes commitment. There are a few things we can do along the way to help us to let go. First of all, we need to create awareness. The best way is to take a look at the situation in our lives, past or present with an intent to let go of what no longer serves us. Compassion is another tool we can use. We are all human and we do make mistakes. When we acknowledge this, we are gentler with ourselves and others. Having compassion allows us to release judgmental attitudes. Releasing blame requires a shift in perception. This means that we are not close minded, we are open to new insights without clinging to old rigid thought processes.  Another approach is to look for the lesson in every situation. There is always wisdom to be gained in our experiences. This enables us to transform even our most challenging experiences into greater awareness and strength. Last but not least, focusing on the future will help us let go of blame. This approach helps us feel empowered and drives us to take full responsibility for creating a life we desire.

Everyone of us would like to have had a great childhood, where we felt loved, accepted for what we are, supported to nurture our dreams, where we were affirmed, and given all the necessary tools to cope with the challenges of life.

Unfortunately, no parent is perfect, and therefore there might have been situations where we felt less than loved, where we had to be what others wanted, where our voices were not heard, where others decided and wanted us to live our lives in their terms.

Uneven parenting is quite common, despite the good intentions of parents. Uneven parenting can promote some beliefs like:

• I am not worthy of love
• I need others to feel like a person
• I do not count/matter
• Others come first
• I must have it my way at all costs
• My race defines the person that I am
• You cannot trust anyone
• I should not have boundaries – I am everything to everyone
• And many others.

When we develop such beliefs as children, we go through life in a less than a thriving way. We place our happiness and fulfilment in other people’s hands, and we take the victim role.

I grew up in a large family, where I had to struggle to be seen – I was 7^th in line. My father (bless his soul) expected exceedingly high results in everything. I learned that I had to please others in order to be accepted. Unconditional love was fiction. I learned that it is survival for the fittest, and I had to be fit. My views did not matter, because someone knew better what I needed. I do not remember being asked what I wanted, and the decisions I made were “rebellious”.

For a young growing up child, you think that this is all there is, until when you are exposed to the world and discover that there are different values to live by. I am extremely grateful to have had very intense experiences in life, where I was challenged to shift gear. All these were life savers that God was throwing my way, and I am glad I welcomed them.

Many of us regret some or a lot of our childhood experiences. However, life has taught me that I alone can break this cycle. I cannot allow my past to define my present and hence my future. My destiny is not in the past, but in the here and now. I do not want my familiar past to become my predictable future, I take ownership of my life now. I re-parent myself – whatever I did not have then, I give it to myself today. Robert Subby, in his book Lost in the Shuffle, calls children who have had to live in difficult circumstances and make unfortunate decisions to survive “victims”, but adults who continue to base their current actions upon painful past experiences “volunteers”. We have what it takes to change our beliefs. Our beliefs inspire our thoughts, our thoughts give rise to our emotions, our emotions propel us to act, and our actions lead to behaviour, which in turn determines our destiny. This means that we need to break the cycle from the roots – our beliefs – and thankfully, we have the power to do that. The following tips have helped me navigate this murky past:

• Looking at the positive things that have happened in my life
• Forgiving, especially my parents, and holding no grudges against people
• Focusing on my strengths as opposed to weaknesses, but acknowledging my flaws when I make mistakes
• Living a life of gratitude and generosity
• Living in the here and now, and doing my best to make the present moment worth living
• Mindfulness
• Exercising gratitude
• Having fun in life – nothing is to be taken too seriously… all shall pass
• Learning, learning, and learning…

What strengths do you hold that help you to improve the quality of your life? What is your contribution to the world? We need to share our unique gifts to the world – the world needs it. Believing in ourselves in crucial, because whether we think we can, or we can’t, we are right.

A few articles ago, we talked about the importance of forgiving and letting go. In this article, we shall discuss a few ways in which we can forgive.  I can picture most people saying, “mmhh, how can I forgive that person who caused me so much misery”? The question really should be “Can I afford not to forgive?’ What is the “hurt” doing to my inner self? If we expect to be forgiven, then forgiving others would not be too daunting. One of my favorite saying goes like this “Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace”

So how can we forgive? We must understand what forgiveness is and why it matters. It matters because it gives us a sense of inner peace, safety, and strength. It matters because it heals us. It matters because if we carry hurt within us, it can cause disease in the physical body. We do this by practicing with smaller acts of forgiveness like when someone cuts us off in traffic or at the supermarket.

Forgiveness takes practice and the more we do it the easier it gets. We forgive easily when we recognize that every person is unique, special, and as valuable as we are. Another good practice is to catch ourselves when dealing with difficult situations. If we come from a place of love, we are unlikely to be ruffled by mundane day to day life events. It is also important to figure out who has caused you hurt and pain. This may seem obvious but according to the teachings of A Course in Miracles, “I am never upset for the reason I think” (ACIM lesson 5).

Sometimes we are angry and not sure where the anger is coming from. We can look carefully at the people in our lives, our parents, siblings, spouse, peers, children, co-workers etc. and acknowledge the hurt feelings. Doing this will give us an idea of who needs forgiveness. This is a great place to start. Forgiveness is not just for other people. We must also learn to forgive ourselves. Life happens and sometimes we find ourselves in situations that are less than perfect. We must forgive ourselves and these situations. If letting go becomes difficult, it is necessary to seek the help of a professional.

If you are struggling with forgiveness it does not mean you are unforgiving. It just means that the process takes time. Be gentle and patient with yourself. It will come. A good approach is to surround yourself with positive minded people who will support you. I have personally struggled with forgiving my parents for what I considered was less than a perfect upbringing. I used to be angry especially at my dad who, to me was more of a monster than a father. After reading motivational books and practicing empathy, it became easier and I was able to forgive him for what “I thought” he had done. I realized much later that he did the best with the resources and knowledge that he had at the time. I had wasted much time being angry but I came to also forgive myself for judging him and “accusing” him of being a terrible father. Something else that helped me greatly was the support of higher guidance. I realized that I was more than just a body. I was one with the Holy Spirit and that I could call upon Him at any time. Help is always available and we are never alone.

Written and compiled by Karin Demuth

Recently I took a walk in the forest, together with my 17-year-old godchild and her mother. While my godchild takes fancy pictures, my friend and I enjoy the peace and quiet, admire the beauty of the huge trees and the glittering snow on the branches. “A real forest bath,” sighs my friend happily. “What does forest bath mean?” asks my godchild in amazement, and my friend and I try to explain the term to her.  All those who, like me, get their big and small moments of happiness from nature will feel confirmed. And let it inspire everyone else to take a trip into nature … even if, due to Corona, it may be only to the next park.

Measurable improvements through ‘forest bathing’

In the early 1980s, the Forest Agency of Japan began advising people to take strolls in the woods for better health. The practice was called forest bathing, or shinrin-yoku, and it was believed to lower stress – but that hadn’t been proved. Some Japanese researchers set out to discover whether something special– and clinically therapeutic– happens when people spend time in nature. Since then, evidence has shown that spending time in nature is responsible for many measurable beneficial changes in the body.

Yoshifumi Miyazaki, a forest-therapy expert and researcher at Chiba University in Japan, found that people who spent 40 minutes walking in a cedar forest had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which is involved in blood pressure and immune-system function, compared with when they spent 40 minutes walking in a lab. Obviously, spending time in the forest induces a state of physiologic relaxation.

Dr. Qing Li, a professor at the Nippon Medical School in Tokyo, found that trees and plants emit aromatic compounds called phytoncides that, when inhaled, can spur healthy biological changes. In his studies, Li has shown that when people walk through or stay overnight in forests, they often exhibit changes in the blood. Phytoncides increase the number of natural killer (NK) cells, a type of white blood cell that supports the immune system and is associated with a lower risk of cancer. NK cells are also thought to have a role in combating infections and autoimmune disorders and tamping down inflammation.

Relaxing in undemanding nature

A large June 2016 study found that nearly 10% of people with high blood pressure could get their hypertension under control if they spent just 30 minutes or more in a park each week. The fresh air could be one factor, since air pollution has been linked to a higher risk for heart attacks, but scientists think stress reduction also plays a part because nature is undemanding and it requires effortless attention to look at the leaves of a tree.

Looking at a stunning waterfall or undulating countryside can also elicit feelings of awe that bring a number of health benefits. In a 2015 study, researcher Paul Piff of the University of California, Irvine, found that regularly experiencing moments of awe has been linked to lower levels of inflammatory compounds in the body.

Everyday interactions with nature can also benefit. An April 2016 study of 44 cities found that urban areas with more parks scored higher on measures of community well-being. People in cities with lots of green space were more likely to report having more energy, good health and a sense of purpose too.

Fighting mood disorders and…

A small 2015 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that people who walked for 90 minutes in a natural setting, such as a forest or a nature park had lower activity in an area of the brain linked to depression than people who walked in an urban area. The exact mechanism of how nature helps mood disorders is unclear, but researchers agree that at the very least, time in nature tends to lift spirits. Another possibility is that the air near moving water, forests and mountains contains high levels of negative ions, which are thought to potentially reduce depression symptoms, according to a study in Frontiers in Psychology.

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorders

Small studies in kids with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have suggested that nature walks could be a potential natural treatment to improve attention. In one study, a team led by Kuo of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign had kids with ADHD take three 20-minute walks, without their medication, in different locations: a park, a neighborhood and an urban area. When the researchers tested the children afterward, they found that after a park walk, the kids were able to concentrate substantially better than after a walk in the other settings. In a separate 2011 study, Kuo and her colleagues found that children who regularly played in outdoor areas had milder ADHD symptoms than children who played indoors or in areas with less nature access.

Before you start planning your escape to the countryside, consider this: “There is plenty of evidence that you will get a range of benefits even if all you can manage is putting a plant in your room or looking at trees through your window at home,” says the University of Queensland’s Shanahan.

One widely cited study of people recovering from abdominal surgery found that those with tree-lined views were released faster from the hospital, experienced fewer complications and required less pain medication than people whose rooms faced a brick wall.

Research shows that even if they’re artificial, the images, sounds and smells of nature can have positive health effects. Listening to nature sounds over headphones, for instance, has been shown to help people recover faster from stress.

Source: TIME, issue July 25, 2016, https://time.com/4405827/the-healing-power-of-nature/

Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward self, another person or a group of people who we perceive may have harmed us in one way or another. It can also be towards an event, a system, or any other entity. According to an article published on hopkinsmedicine.org, unresolved conflict may affect physical and emotional health. Forgiveness lowers the risk of heart attack, it improves cholesterol levels and sleep, it reduces pain and blood pressure, anxiety, depression and stress.

Forgiveness is a choice. We choose to offer compassion and empathy to ourselves and to those who wrong us. It is a way of life. We are presented with forgiveness lessons every day. It is up to us to learn and live by these lessons. Forgiveness is a magnanimous act of mercy that we extend to ourselves and to others. It indeed makes us happier and improves our mental well-being. Forgiveness sustains relationships and boosts kindness and connectedness. It can help heal deep rooted wounds, trauma, and past disappointments.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and excusing the harm done to us, it simply means letting go. When someone hurts us, we have the opportunity either to hold on to anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge, or to embrace forgiveness and move forward. We get to choose. I have personally made the choice to forgive my past personal disappointments. I was once married to someone who I came to resent with all my heart after a few years of marriage. This resentment was so severe I could not stand hearing his name. What I did not realize was that I was hurting myself and he was moving on with life. It took personal work to release anger and forgive him for what I perceived he had done.

What happens when we don’t forgive? We live in bitterness and become so wrapped up in the wrong we forget to enjoy the present. We live in the past and block our paths to the future flow of blessings.  We also become depressed, angry and anxious. We fail to find meaning or purpose in life. We find ourselves at odds with our spiritual connection and lose sight of our oneness with the Creator.

Forgiveness is a process. It takes time and practice. It also takes energy and may not come as easily as we would like. Forgive yourself and give yourself time. Let go of expectations. Seek the help of the experts if you find that forgiving is too challenging. There are several tools available out there to help cultivate forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).

Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die (Quote by Anne LaMotte)

“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.” – Byron Katie

What is Love? Love is a very complex and loaded word. It has been given different definitions by the church, society, and individuals throughout the ages. I believe there are as many definitions of love as there are people. The simplest of them to me is Love is God and God is Love. This article will discuss self-love.

Self-love is simply unconditional love to self. It is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. When we practice self-love, we open doors to share what we are and have with those around us. Love thy neighbor as thy self.  Can you give to another what you do not have?

When we practice self-love, we begin to accept our weaknesses and strengths, we no longer need to explain ourselves and we become more centered in our life purpose and values. How can we develop self-love?

The first step is to become mindful and examine our thought process and feelings. We focus on what we want instead of what others want for us. We stay strong, present, grounded and centered instead of living life in auto pilot. We do not dwell in the past and we are quick to release behavior patterns that no longer serve our highest good. People who practice self-love take time to practice good self-care, they nourish their bodies with healthy foods and engage in physical activities to keep their bodies strong and functional.

Another step is to set boundaries. You love yourself when you set limits or say no to work, situations, or activities that deplete your energy levels. Protect yourself from those who may masquerade as your friends but only succeed in stealing your joy. Live intentionally, with purpose and design. Strive for a meaningful and healthy life and declutter your mind. Last and probably the most important step is to forgive yourself and others. When you let go of the past through forgiveness, you are on your way to a blissful life.

“I am not looking to escape my darkness, I’m learning to love myself there.”

This reflection was written by my beloved sister Mary Jones to whom I am extremely grateful.

How Have Our Relationships Changed?

The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away (Pablo Picasso)

The year 2020 has been a quite different year than others we have known. For most of us, it has been a year of adjustments in more than one ways.

Inevitably, due to the restrictions because of COVID-19, our relationships have undergone drastic changes – some for the better, others for the worse. One common factor is that we have had more time than ever to reflect on our relationships and the direction we would like them to take.

The global restrictions have forced us to live closer together with some people and further apart from others. Each of us has had their own experiences regarding this phenomenon.

On a personal level, I have had to make drastic adjustments. I used to travel around the world for work related purposes, and hardly spent time at home with my family. Since March 2020, I have only made a one-week trip outside Italy, for the rest of the time, I have been with my close family members – husband and two teenage children.

During our time together, despite each being busy with their own occupation, I realized how much I had missed being home with my family. The proximity with each other gave rise to deep reflections. Each of us has their own working space, but each person’s presence was palpable. Each of us influenced the other in unique ways. We have developed our senses further to perceive what the other one was going through, even when words were not used.

It has been a period of appreciation, where I had to count the many blessings that I have. I was able to reach out to many people who were struggling, and it made a huge difference both to me and to them. I had time to reflect on what my soul’s purpose is at this time in my life. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and listening to my entelechy – my higher self, and I have received loads of insights. I am still a work in progress, but I am in a better place than I was in March.

I have made conscious decisions every time – to be grateful and to listen to what messages are downloading in my system as I navigate through the new lifestyle. I have consciously developed an attitude of gratitude and decided to let go of what does not serve me. I have allowed myself to heal from past traumas. I discovered that there were several traumas I was unaware of, but they were affecting me and my quest for fulfilment. As said earlier, I am still a work in progress, but I am in a better off position than before.

I also discovered that my year of birth was recorded erroneously. I am a year younger than I have all along thought. My family was a large one, and my parents lost count of when we were born, so they put in a year that they thought could work, but thankfully, I now know exactly when I was born, year, date, month, and time. This was a great revelation to me, and it opened whole new chapters in my life that I never considered before. I am grateful for this.

At the beginning of every year, people usually set intentions. However, some of these do not last long. My only intention for this year is to listen and follow my bliss. The astrology tells me that I am in for surprises, and I rise to the occasion with confidence and gait.

I invite each one of you reading to reflect on what impact this year has had especially on your relationships, and kindly share your thoughts in the comments below.

My wish for the new year is that we all learn to treasure the positive changes that have happened this year, really take time to listen to our inner guidance, and have the courage to act upon what is revealed to us.

The purpose of life is not to be happy, it is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

We all want to be happy, but how often do we stop to say thank you and to recognize what we already have? Gratitude is like a magic wand – when we truly express gratitude from the heart, common days are transformed into thanksgiving, routine jobs become enjoyable and fun, ordinary opportunities become blessings, and the cycle continues. Gratitude renders the person positive – you cannot be grateful and depressed at the same time! 

When we are grateful, we allow our bodies to produce the feel good hormones (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphines), which intensify when like neurons are awakened (neurons that fire together wire together). This activates and promotes a sense of holistic wellbeing, where one experiences fulfilment, is able to bond with others, and the bodily aches decrease.

Psychological benefits of gratitude:

• Positive thoughts and emotions
• More awareness and a sense of being present
• Increased self-satisfaction
• Enhanced mood… etc.

Physical Benefits of Gratitude:

• Stronger immune system
• Less body pains and aches
• Optimum blood pressure and cardiac functioning
• Better sleep-wake cycles… etc.

Social Benefits of Gratitude:

• Better communication
• Appreciation of others
• More empathy
• Stronger interpersonal relationships
• More likability among group members
• More involvement as a team member… etc.

Gratitude produces true happiness through optimism, selflessness, spirituality, empathy, and high self-esteem.

Gratitude and the Brain

Gratitude wires and fires new neural connections to the brain`s bliss center.

It fosters cognitive restructuring by evoking positive thinking.

It enhances the feel good hormones mentioned above which are the neurotransmitters responsible for happiness.

It reduces fear and anxiety by regulating the stress hormones.

It is not happiness that brings us gratitude, it is gratitude that brings us happiness.

Be thankful for what you are and have, you will end up being and having more. This is the law of attraction – what we send out returns to us multiplied.

How do we Cultivate Gratitude?

Many people believe that gratitude is a result of what one possesses or achieves. They limit gratitude to what comes from outside of themselves. This is a very limiting approach towards life. Instead, if we open our eyes, there is so much to be grateful for. Gratitude sets the pace for improvement of life. In order to cultivate gratitude, it is important to do the following:

• Appreciate yourself – there is so much to be grateful for in our own lives. This helps to concentrate on the positive and when we do, it increases. Complimenting ourselves boosts our self-love.
• Meditate – meditation helps us to connect with ourselves and the Source Energy, and we discover the miracle that is US
• Keep a gratitude journal – it helps to put down what we are grateful for every day, we shall be amazed at how good we feel and how much positivity we attract. There are so many people we can be grateful for, and telling them makes a difference in how we and they feel.
• Gratitude visits – there is so much we can do with what we are and what we have, giving of ourselves, our time, our material goods, enhances our wellbeing and boosts our self-esteem.
• Do not hesitate to be happy – we do not need to ask for permission to be happy. Even if we are living in challenging moments or situations, we can always find something to be grateful for, which leads to inner happiness.
• Find a gratitude buddy – knowing that there is someone else who shares our sense of gratitude is a great boost. We can encourage each other to keep going.

Gratitude makes sense of the past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

In Conclusion, we Could Say That:

• Gratitude drives happiness
• Happiness boosts productivity
• Productivity reveals mastery
• Mastery inspires the world
• And the world becomes a better place.

Every day, when we wake up, let us acknowledge three things we are grateful for. 

Every day, before we retire to bed, let us acknowledge three things we are grateful for, and we shall be amazed at how our life changes!

Please feel free to comment on the article and add something regarding gratitude. You could also share some experiences of the effects that gratitude has had on you.