I'm Teresa Ngigi

When we look at a clock on the wall, we expect to read the right time of the day. We however know that the clock will not function unless it has a good battery in it. If the battery is good, then we have the right time, if it is depleted, time is haphazard. We take it for granted that the clock must have a proper battery – we do not argue about it. When the clock is not working, sometimes we shake it to wake it up – because we expect it to be working! And when it is not working ok, we do not get upset with it… we do not blame the clock for not working, we do something to make it work.

How about us human beings? What makes us tick? What propels us? Are we propelled from inside or from outside? What is my reason for being the person I am, doing what I do? This is a question I keep asking myself over and over… and it reminds me to clarify my battery – I can only function fully if my battery is the right one, and it is charged.

This boils down to my raison d’etre. Each one of us needs to discover our why, and follow it. It is our guiding star – it is the star that takes us to the manger where the birth of our identity takes place. This is an important aspect in our quest for the fulfilment of our life.

Each one of us has a mission, and no one else can fulfil that mission for us. We however need to discover it, because sometimes it is not that obvious. We have seen every too often people who spend their entire life searching, and eventually they feel empty because they have not found their treasure. We not condemn them, we do not blame them, but if we can, we support them in their quest for meaning, we are there for them, they can count on us.

But as we always say, we cannot give what we do not have. We need to find our own treasure first (should there be a drop in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released – put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help others…). One blind person cannot lead another – that is the law of nature, and it applies to every aspect of our lives.

When we find our guiding star, we are happy, motivated, enthusiastic, and we are able to overcome life’s hurdles. We find meaning in everything. Nothing happens by coincidence, but everything is within the divine plan. We are focused, and therefore our life becomes enjoyable. We are optimistic about life, we put first things first, we do not get lost in unnecessary confusion.

How can we find our guiding star?

Psychologist David Feldman says that

The secret to meaningful life is to remind ourselves everyday to do the right thing, love fully, pursue fascinating experiences, and undertake important tasks, not because we are trying to increase our sense of meaning in life, but because these pursuits are good in themselves

This for me is the foundation of our life. When we do this, then we find meaning in our life, without expecting life itself to give us meaning.

We could also do the following:

• Acknowledge that you are unique, and you have a unique mission – do not compare yourself with others
• Create time for self-care, daily, not only when you are down
• Turn inwards, not outwards – find the battery within you
• Take time to shut out all the noise that is in your surroundings – meditate
• Live in the present – this is all you have, the past is gone, and the future is uncertain, but we build our future in the here and now
• Surround yourself with healthy relationships – everything else will pass, but our love will live on even after we are gone
• Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. Do not focus too much on trivial things, pick your battles and move on
• After a fall, pick yourself up, dust yourself, learn from the fall, and get back on the saddle
• Enjoy your life – nothing in life is to be taken too seriously… everything shall come to pass, so enjoy the present moment, that is all you have
• Challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone – this is a killer to many dreams
• Pursue your dreams. Ask yourself, when I was a child, what did I dream about? There lies your true calling.

Feel free to add more tips, and I would be honoured to read from you.

I choose to live my life to the fullest, even amidst challenges, for I know that all this shall pass, but the lives I may have touched will continue my legacy once I am gone.

More than ever, people are realizing that without self-care, our life loses meaning and direction, and we make very little impact on what we do. When we say that we cannot give what we do not have, we mean that it is only from a place of strength that we can give strength, a place of love that we can give love, and a place for self-forgiveness that we can forgive others.

We have heard it said every so often – self-care is selfish. This is a myth that needs debunking. Some of us have put self-care at the bottom of our “to do” list, and therefore we never get down to do it. People often confuse self-care with self-indulgence, which are two completely different concepts.

We all keep talking about how important it is to take care of ourselves, as individuals, as communities, as workmates, as parents, the list is endless. But how often do we stop to consciously plan for it? How much importance do we give it? Or is it only lip service?

I keep challenging myself over and over again about taking care of myself. It needs to be a conscious commitment that is featured in our day-to-day life.

Here are some reasons why self-care is difficult to practice:

• Negativity bias – we tend to dwell more on the negative – what is unachievable, the efforts needed, lack of resources etc. Many of us have learned to see the glass half empty and we see challenges in possibilities as opposed to seeing possibilities in challenges. Our thoughts play a major role in the decisions we make
• Irrational beliefs – we may have been blamed in the past when we took care of ourselves or taught to put other people before us – hence self-sacrifice has replaced self-care. When I was growing up, I was often told that I should consider other people’s needs before mine, and I could see this in my own mother. She used to always be available to everyone, and hardly said no to anyone. Religion can also make people frown upon self-care. We need to challenge our beliefs and if anything is interfering negatively with the quality of our life, then it needs to be challenged
• Negative self-worth – some people have trouble accepting themselves as they are, and they have a deep emptiness which makes them do things to please others – at the expense of their own well-being. People pleasing is a dangerous path, it often leads to resentments because people will not always be satisfied with what we do to and for them
• Effort – self-care requires effort. It can be very daunting, and it requires as much attention as other areas in our life. Self-care is often the first to be put aside when we are in a difficult situation. We claim to be too busy to find time for ourselves or for those we love
• Messianic syndrome – some of us have undertaken the responsibility to save the world. This is a very risky syndrome, as it can give rise to other social challenges. People suffering from the messianic syndrome are everything for everyone, and they end up resenting those who do not need their services. They have developed the need to be needed, and when not needed, they collapse
• Sense of shame and guilt – some people doubt their self-worth, and so do everything to make themselves feel better. Shame generates an experience of “being” wrong, and humans do everything to counteract the sense of shame. On the other hand, guilt can also prevent us from taking care of ourselves, as we strive to make up for what we believe we have done wrong.

These and many other reasons could explain why we find it so difficult to take care of ourselves. We forget that we are temples of the Holy Spirit – we are spiritual beings having a human experience – and we need to treasure this.

What are the benefits of Self-Care?

• It increases the sense of self-worth – taking care of ourselves makes us appreciate who we really are
• It reduces stress – try taking a walk in nature when you are feeling stressed and see what an impact it makes on you
• It makes us more productive – when we put everything into perspective, and give self-care its place, our returns are magnified
• It leads us to understanding and supporting others – you cannot give what you do not have
• It helps us to fulfil our own raison d’etre – each one of us has come to fulfil a purpose, and when we listen to ourselves, the writing on the wall becomes clearer
• It increases motivation – self-care calls for self-reflection, where one discovers who they are, and how they can improve. Once this happens, one’s motivation is enhanced
• It mitigates chronic fatigue – this is so common in the workplace. When we take care of ourselves, we are able to read the early warning signs and prevent fatigue
• Boosts our physical and mental well-being – self-care enhances the feel good hormones
• It creates a good work-life balance – this means we prioritize on everything and give it the importance it deserves
• Improves inter-personal relationships – when I take care of myself, I allow others to do the same and our light shines together
• Self-care hacks your brain to increase creativity – this is related to the point regarding productivity
• Self-care helps to increase our sense of worth.

These are some of the benefits of self-care, which by far outweigh the efforts. We therefore need to appreciate who we are and work towards creating an environment where we can flourish and live with meaning. Make a self-care realistic plan and if it requires for you to say no, you owe it to yourself to have this courage.

Any comments are welcome.

This quote was mentioned by a young person who had gone through alternative care and was sending a message to their caregiver. It struck me a great deal because it summarizes everything a caregiver needs in order to establish and maintain a healthy, healing relationship with the child they are entrusted to take care of, be it a biological child, an adopted child, or a child in foster care.

Connection is extremely important in any relationship, and more so in a relationship with a child. We know that every behaviour is communication, and whatever a child does, they are trying to communicate something. We, as caregivers, therefore, need to see beyond the behaviour and see the child from a holistic perspective. This child has a history, a present, and a future. When we consider all these aspects, then we are able to interpret behaviour in a more informed manner, and hence respond to the needs of the child.

It is also crucial that each caregiver does their best to connect with themselves before they can connect with others. Some people may experience deep fragmentation, and this turns out to be what they give to others. Know yourself, understand yourself, listen to yourself, work on yourself, and always question your behaviour too.

You cannot give what you do not have.

I once came across a 9-year-old child who could not allow himself to be hugged by anyone, even the closest people to him. Some of the caregivers misinterpreted his behaviour and saw it from the perspective of a closed-up child, who is so self-centred he did not want to open up to others. When we worked together with the caregivers to look at the behaviour as communication and went back to the history of this child to understand where he came from and what kind of experiences he was exposed to, we discovered that he had been abandoned several times and his trust on people had been shattered. He did not feel safe with anyone, he feared to get too close lest that relationship is broken again, and he blamed himself for being abandoned. This understanding was a great eye-opener to the caregiver, who changed their approach and worked towards restoring the lost trust. The child, for the first time, felt seen, heard, and kept in mind, and gradually started opening up and letting himself be loved and taken care of. He was helped to be a child again, and this made a huge difference in his life.

Caregivers need to also look at themselves before they can correct a child. The following questions may help:

• Are you taking care of yourself as a caregiver?
• Do you have unresolved issues that get triggered by a child’s behaviour?
• Do you have trust issues yourself that get into the way of establishing healthy relationships with the child and with other people?
• Do you take everything personally when a child is in distress?
• Do you really see, feel, and perceive the child you are caring for?
• Are you too stressed with your own issues that you project them onto the child, even unconsciously?
• Do you have a support system you can reach out to?
• Do you expect too much from yourself as a caregiver?

These could be leading questions that help us to be authentic caregivers.

Nothing in life is to be taken too seriously – it just needs our understanding.

Please feel free to make any comments or share your own experiences. You just never know, it could help another person out there.

Teresa

Each of us has been created in the image and likeness of God. What does this mean? To me, it means that we are powerful beyond measure, that our Self is greater than us, and that we are just “little less than gods”. This is a powerful reality, which invites us to make choices and determine our destiny.

Our world today is marked with uncertainty, and humans have trouble dealing with unpredictability. This is bound to create both intra and inter-psychic conflict, which in turn transforms into anxiety and our brain goes into survival mode – with all that this comports. 

We however need to constantly remember that it is not what happens to us that determines us, but what we do with it.

I choose to focus on the good things that are happening

I choose to see the glass half full

I choose to allow the spirit to guide my steps

I choose to do everything in my power to make a positive difference

I choose to cast away anything that distracts me from my goal

I choose to be proactive and spread love instead of hate.

I know that this is a very tiny contribution, but it makes me the person I am, and I am sure that if we all did this, our collective consciousness will change our reality.

Let me know what you think.

How many of us have tried addressing some embedded issues and only realized that the results were short-lived? Think of a time when you felt hurt, depressed, anxious, vengeful, aggressive, etc. How did you address this situation? Did feelings of distress linger on for longer than you would have liked?

Jay came to me complaining that he had been in therapy for a very long time, but nothing had worked. He could get some respite, but it would only last for a short time. He would find himself back on his knees with his issues. When he came to me, it was as a last resort. He had promised to give himself one more chance, after which he would just resign to the fact that he would never live a full life.

Jay had struggled with abuse by his father, and because of this environment, the mother was constantly anxious because she did not know what to expect from her husband. She therefore did not create a stable and secure attachment with Jay, and Jay always thought that all this was his fault. He lived in fear of his father, had trust issues, could not count on his mother to protect him, and therefore learned to keep to himself and avoid rocking the boat. He developed a people-pleasing attitude and never felt enough.

Unfortunately for Jay, every time he went to therapy, it was to deal with his symptoms and not the root cause of his challenges. He could meditate, exercise, eat healthy, seek to socialize, but deep down, he felt empty and dejected. He used his mind to think positively and will himself out of his misery, but that worked only to a certain degree.

You would ask: Why did Jay not feel better despite the efforts he made to feel so? Why was he self-sabotaging all the time?

The analogy of the jigger fleas would resonate with many African populations. Jiggers penetrate one’s body especially toes and fingers, and feed on your blood. They then find their abode there. If you want to get rid of the pests completely, you must remove the whole flea. I have seen many people who have removed the head of the jigger and thought that this was over because nothing further was visible. They then realized their feet were swelling, infected, inflamed, and this could spread to the entire body and wreak havoc to one’s system. You need to get the whole jigger flea out for total healing to occur.

We explored Jay’s situation and together discovered that he was focusing only specific aspects of his challenges and working solely with his mind. Gradually, Jay understood that healing has to do with Mind, Body, and Soul. Each of these components is very important in the healing process and overlooking one of them may lead to partial healing. He realized that the hidden part of the jigger was influencing his life in a negative way, and it spread throughout his body – since what spreads embeds, and what embeds spreads. Accessing those hidden parts requires a holistic approach to healing. Our bodies keep the score as Van Der Kolk says and learning to listen to the body is crucial to healing. Our consciousness is embodied, and the key to healing is within us.

After employing this holistic approach to healing, Jay’s cloud lifted, and he is now able to live life in his own terms, happy and fulfilled. We need to learn to listen to our body, it will not deceive us. Working with the body has shown to have more long lasting impact to healing.

Jeanne was born in a large family, and she was 7^th in the birth line. She struggled to be seen because the mother was remarkably busy, and the father, authoritarian as he was, never spared a moment to connect emotionally with his children. He was both physically and emotionally distant, and the mother was left to take full care of the children, the farm, and her small business. Jeanne felt unseen, and she struggled to attract the attention of anyone who could notice her. To be seen – that is the message she received – you must be useful in order to be recognized – she undertook the role of taking care of her mother. She would do everything possible to ensure that her mother was ok, and worried incessantly about her wellbeing. Roles were reversed. This developed into a personality for Jeanne, and she continued taking care of people even when it was not requested. She was constantly scanning whether people needed something. She chose the helping profession as that guaranteed the fulfilment of this need. Oftentimes, Jeanne was exasperated, especially when she felt that people took advantage of her. She could become resentful… however, her need to be needed was her survival tool. Jeanne developed a co-dependent behaviour.

Caretaking is a dysfunctional, learned behaviour that can be changed. Once changed, one can experience more peace, more harmony, more contentment, and fulfilling relationships. Caretaking is rooted in insecurity and the need to be in control, while caregiving is an expression of love and kindness. Here are some differences between the two:

Jeanne had to learn to shift from caretaking to caregiving as an adult. She had to heal her childhood wounds for her to be happy. She learned to be aware of her own needs and assess her motivations every time she reached out to others. She did this through the following:

• Listening to and valuing her inner child
• Owning up to her motivations
• Talking with a trusted person about her struggles
• Developing a self-care programme
  • Setting aside time for herself
  • Meditation
  • Journaling
  • Exercising
  • Healthy nourishment
  • Developing and enhancing her spiritual life
  • Doing activities she enjoys
  • Having a good social life
• Doing personal healthy things she had been putting off
• Cultivating an attitude of gratitude
• Believing in herself and her capabilities
• Finding her purpose and pursuing it.

Jeanne is still working on her own self-development, but she has come a long way.

If you find yourself caretaking, ask yourself some hard questions, and work towards transforming this. If you need support, do not hesitate to reach out, for it takes a village to bring up a child.