I'm Teresa Ngigi

“It is not the load that crushes us, but the way we carry it” (Lou Holtz)

Living life in our own terms means the ability to live a life that is meaningful and fulfilling despite all that is happening around us. It means the ability to define life, not allowing our circumstances or experiences to define us. It means making conscious choices and being responsible for them. Someone once said that what matters is not what happens or happened to us, but our response to it, that defines the quality of our life. We all know people who have gone through very extreme adversities, but they have been able to use these experiences to grow, to be creative, to shine, to excel, and to touch the world. We also know people who have succumbed to adversities and given up their life altogether. What distinguishes one class from the other? It all lies in our attitude towards life. Wayne Dwyer once said that when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change, and he could not have said it better.

In short, it is not the burden that crushes us, but the way we carry it.

We need to remember that whether we think we can, or we can`t, we are right.

The following is a lived experience of a lady who has faced challenging experiences, especially during the COVID-19 period. She shares how she is able to go on despite the circumstances, making choices that enhance her coping skills.

Thanks so much Mahlompho Mapalane for sharing.

HOW COVID-19 PANDEMIC AFFECTED ME & MY PERFORMANCE AT WORK

2020 started as usual. I did my annual plans and started to implement some activities according to the time frame and agreement with my immediate supervisor.  Along the way we started getting a lot of information about Covid-19. Believe me, I did not know what this information was all about, why our head office sends us lots and lots of information about this covid-19: “WHAT IS THIS CORONA VIRUS?”.

The day came when we were all called to a meeting and that each and every one of us had to come up with a strategy and how we think we would overcome this virus.  Still I did not understand what was happening.  I think I was not well informed or I did not have anybody to really share with me what was actually happening. 

The day our neighbouring country announced over the television the steps they were taking to minimize the spread of Covid-19 made it look real.  The major one that affected us was the closure of all the border gates that surrounded our small landlocked country and the restriction of movement. Shops and other businesses were closed and we had to stay at home.

We, SOS Children’s villages Lesotho could not understand, we looked at innocent children, the closed down schools, empty churches, we restricted children`s movements and they had to remain within the campus.

Now we had to come up with a strategy on how to keep them busy and beat idleness. We thought of different activities, talents, studies and engaged pastors who live within the campus.

At the same time, we taught them the rules and regulations concerning Covid-19 provided by WHO.

It became a reality now that all planned activities for raising money for the same children had to be cancelled and I had to change my approach because I still have to ensure that children have food on the table.

My way of doing things changed completely to something very new called digital fundraising, which includes, social medial, local house media, development of websites etc.

There were no more face to face meetings.  Responses to challenges that we used earlier could not be effective any longer. People started losing their jobs and could no longer support our initiatives, companies that used to support us stopped giving.

Life changed drastically, working hours were reduced, physical contact with other people became more and more restricted and sometimes not allowed at all.

This has affected my work and my organization negatively and worse still, the children whom we are not able to assist with the modem learning that is only online.  Our children do not have access to the internet and computers for online studies.

2020 was the year that I was bound to raise more money for the children but this is impossible due to the factors mentioned above.

Personally, at the same time, I am affected by the situation of my son who completed his studies in June in India. In his last year when he was meant to write his final exam, he was forced to do it electronically. I have missed him for the past four years and now this is going to be the 5^th year.  I have developed high blood pressure due to the stress that I had when all these things started and I am wondering if I will ever see my beloved son again.

What has helped me to cope?

The fact that SOS Children`s Villages was and is still operational is a great drive.  I am still receiving my full salary, except that the inflation has increased rapidly, but we are better off than others in this regard.

This experience should not leave us as we were before. It is important to grow from it, and establish strategies that help us to cope better. Having preventative measures in place is crucial. Eating healthy, exercising and reading more helps gain knowledge and skills.  Ensuring sustainable projects will help to be self-reliant, for example in producing our own food. The green house donated by Herbalife Nutrition Foundation has ensured that children have fresh vegetables throughout the year.  Keeping our own cows will help more so that we can produce our own fresh milk for the children and for generating income. We need to diversify local income, focusing on digital fundraising.

LESSONS LEARNED

Since covid-19 pandemic l learned that the whole world was affected by the same virus regardless of race, religion, status, income, etc. The world is united in following the same WHO rules and regulations. We are all in this together.

Lastly, we need to accept changes in our life, and be creative in finding solutions.

We look forward to the time when the power of love will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace (William Ewart Gladstone)

Love is as essential and indispensable as oxygen. We cannot live without it. Love has to do with both intrapsychic and interpsychic connectedness – connectedness with the self, with others, with creation, and with the entire cosmos. The less connected we are, the more powerless we are. Love is the power that makes the world go round, the power that sustains all creation. Love has to do with affection, caring, and respect. It leads to peace. People`s relationships are marked by mutual appreciation and uplifting. Love bridges huge human gaps, and opens avenues that would otherwise have remained closed. It is respect for rights and differences. It doesn’t seek to make everyone like the other, but celebrates what makes us unique. It overcomes barriers and gives meaning to life. Love sets the other person free, it does not condition them. Love has no hidden agendas, it is open and transparent. It is not defensive. When the other person doesn’t accept us, we do not hire others to destroy them, but respect their decisions, and set them free. It is a win-win relationship. A mature, responsible adult neither seeks undue power over others nor wishes to see them subjected to anyone`s controlling schemes and fantasies. This is the traditional meaning of liberty. It`s the rationale for limiting the force of governments in our lives (Lawrence Reed).

Power, on the other hand, has to do with control. Pure power corrupts, because it uses others for one`s gains. It is self-centred, at the expense of the other. It seeks to down tread the other person to submission. Power shoves things down the throats of others. If you do not abide, you are considered an enemy, and what we usually do with enemies is to eliminate them. William Graham once said: “All history is only one story to this effect. Men have struggled for power over their fellow men in order that they might win the joys of the earth at the expense of others, and might shift the burdens of life from their own shoulders upon those of others”. Even if these words were written in the 19^thcentury, they still remain so true in our world today.

In a free society, the power of love governs our mind, our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviour, instead of the love of power. Equality is at the heart of this. It affects relationships and fosters mutual responsiveness and attunement. It has everything to do with integration.

In order to be motivated by love, we need to avoid attributing power to others, and reclaim it. Citizens often give unconditional power to their governments, and this makes them powerless. When we give over our power to anyone or anything, we remain vulnerable, exposed, and can end up being abused. When we allow ourselves to be pushed about, dictated to, hemmed in, and smothered with good intentions as if we are still children, we give ourselves over to be controlled by the love of power of those who control us.

We need to tap into the power within us and reinforce it. We need to avoid giving up the only precious heritage we have, because when we do, love goes out the window, and we are marred by resentments, bitterness, anger, violence, jealousy, depression, revenge, and a life of meaninglessness. We need to strengthen our own character, to be models of integrity, and to allow the force of love to propel our lives. We need to fully understand the principles of love and liberty, so that we can convincingly defend them against the encroachments of power. We all need to join hands to replace the love of power with the power of love.

Neurons that fire together wire together (Dan Siegel)

How many of us have adolescents, are caregivers of adolescents, or are adolescents? How often have we, especially as parents, felt exasperated by the behaviour of our adolescent children? How many of us have preconceived ideas about who an adolescent is and how “immature” and “chaotic” they are?

I am a mother of two adolescents, and therefore I am learning as I go. Someone once said that doctors do not cure themselves, and I think they were right. I train caregivers worldwide on parenting skills and how to create, develop, and maintain secure attachments with children. But that does not mean I do not have my own challenges. What I am going to share here is meant to create awareness on how the adolescent brain works, so that we can all be inspired to review our perspectives, and to grow from the experience with our adolescents. The truth sets us free…

You will notice that I am not using the word teenager here, because oftentimes we think adolescence is synonymous with teenage. These are two different things. Teenage, from its actual word, is the stage between 13 and 19 years of age. Adolescence, on the other hand, is that stage between childhood and adulthood, and it goes on up until mid-twenties. Many of us ask ourselves why adolescents behave the way they do. We long for the little child we had and wonder where they went. A friend of mine was so exasperated with her adolescent daughter that she told me: “I miss my Maria, I have completely lost her. I cannot recognize the girl in my house anymore. I am mourning the loss of my little Maria”. These words express the desperation of this mother, it was difficult for her to integrate the child

Maria and the adolescent, evolving Maria because, for her, these are two different things, and not only different, but conflictual and threatening.

This article will attempt to explain what happens in the adolescent brain, in simple words, with the hope that it will clarify some misconceptions and give us a different understanding of this very dynamic and essential stage of one`s life.

The brain goes through rapid development between the ages of 9 and 14. This is a stage of great developmental changes, and great sensitivity to social evaluation and acceptance. This is the time when a child starts to pose existential questions: Who am I? Where do I belong?

According to Dan Siegel, the adolescent brain undergoes remarkable necessary changes which are essential for the survival of our species. This is where talents are developed at the fastest, which lays the foundation for a good future. The adolescent is creative and courageous, and sees little risk in what they do. The adolescent feels pulled towards independence, away from the parents. Why does this happen?

Our brain`s major role is to ensure our survival. It however has two sides: reactive and receptive. When we feel threatened, our brain goes on fight/flight/freeze/faint mode. This is explained in details in my book Breaking the Cycle – The Role of Auntie Rosie in Childhood Trauma Informed Care. When we feel threatened, we try to do everything possible to protect ourselves. This is a very primitive reaction. When we are in this condition, all other human faculties are suspended: we are not thinking about the delicious apple pie we ate last night, or the birthday gift we received last year. We are not thinking about the piano lessons we need to rehearse, or going to visit a friend. All we are thinking about is how to ensure we survive, and therefore we do everything to ensure death doesn’t occur. Our rational brain (cortex) is not in charge, but our lower/primitive brain, the limbic and brain stem, take over.

Being receptive happens when we are feeling safe, so we learn new things, we are adventurous, we connect with others, we enjoy the pleasures of life, etc. This promotes secure attachment.

Dan Siegel talks about the 4 S`s that enhance attachment, and adolescents, just like everyone else, needs them. We all need to be:

Seen: the adolescent needs to feel that they are seen, that their real experiences are being felt, that they are not being judged purely on their behaviour. They need to feel that others exercise empathy, that they can put themselves into their moccasins and see the world from their perspective.

Safe: Adolescents, just like everyone else, needs to feel safe with the adults that care for them. They need to be supported to make sense of what is happening in their life. They need to know that they can count on their caregivers. Caregivers need to be consistent. They should not cause terror to the adolescent – this can lead to disorganized attachment, where the caregiver, who is charged with the responsibility of protecting the adolescent, is the one causing terror – so the adolescent escapes from the terror yet has to return to their caregiver for comfort and protection.

Soothed: The adolescent needs to know that the caregiver is there to soothe them when they are in distress. They need to know that they can count on their caregivers to offer them the emotional support they need, even when they pull away from them.

Secure: The adolescent needs to be reassured that even when there is a rupture of the relationship, there is a possibility of repair, and relationships can be restored, and that the caregiver is present to offer this buffer when there has been an interruption to the relationship. They need to feel that they have a place to call “home” – in all senses of the word.

When the adolescent pushes the caregiver away, they go to look for these 4 S`s in their peers – they feel they need to leave the nest, and in order for this to happen, they need to be accepted and attached to a group. That is why peers are more important than caregivers. As caregivers, however, we need to reassure them that we are available to give them all these, but it is OK for them to go out and interact with their friends. Keeping anger and exasperation because the adolescent will not open up to us will only complicate things, so caregivers need to be grounded and whole, so that the adolescent may feel safe to return to the “base”.

Caregivers need to support adolescents in the process of integration – this means differentiating and linking, not merging. Integration gives rise to harmony, and despite the challenges, the foundation is not shaken. It means the different parts are brought together, because the whole is greater than the sum of the different parts.

During adolescence, the brain goes through what Dan Siegel calls remodelling. This process involves two factors: pruning and myelination. In pruning, the adolescent brain gets rid of neurons that are not being used, which gives rise to differentiation. Myelination on the other hand enables nerve cells to transmit information faster, allowing for more complex brain processes. This is vitally important to healthy central nervous system functioning. These two factors are crucial in the development of the adolescent brain, as they set the foundation for the future.

Adolescence is the period where one picks up new information in an incredibly fast way, and at the same time, it is the healthiest stage in one`s life. The adolescent body has the ability to fight disease that is higher than any other stage. However, it is also the stage where more accidents happen. This is because the adolescent brain interprets things through the limbic area. The cortex – the rational part of the brain, in adolescence, is still in the process of development.

Something that might be non-threatening is seen as a threat. For instance, severally, when I compliment my daughter for something I genuinely recognize, she wonders why I would be doing that. Sometimes I could say something like “Are you OK” and she would look at me and ask me: “Why shouldn`t I? What are you insinuating? And I find myself wondering where that came from.

We often complain about the mood of the adolescents. This has a neurological explanation. The dopamine (feel good hormone) baseline is lower than in adults, while the release of dopamine is high. This is why they get bored very fast, and tend to engage in risky behaviour because there lies the hype. Happiness doesn’t seem to last long in adolescents. Pros of their actions are magnified while the cons are underestimated, hence the risky choices they make without thinking of the consequences. Many times these risky behaviours are meant to impress their peers. Caregivers need to have this understanding so that they can know how to support the adolescents. Helping them to understand these dynamics guides them to make healthy choices. We need to be role models to them, so that they can integrate the different parts of their life, and act from there. Development of their intuition helps them to avoid acting solely based on their emotions. They need to learn mindset skills, heart coherence, in order to uncover the values and goodness that lies within. This serves as the compass that guides them in their actions.

Mindfulness helps promote neuroplasticity, the process by which the brain undergoes structural or physiological changes, so that healthy neurons are developed, and through neurogenesis – the process by which new nervous system cells, (neurons), are produced, the process is enhanced. It helps the adolescent to go inside themselves, through introspection, in order to find their reason of being, and to be propelled by the inside, as opposed to the outside.

Caregivers need to develop the 4 S`s themselves, and not to be in competition with the adolescents. It is possible that the caregiver`s inadequacy is triggered when adolescents act the way they do, and this is a wake up call so that we can evaluate ourselves and make adjustments where necessary, in order for us to grow together. We need to choose our battles!

Adolescence is a period marked with great potential, and when we are relating with our adolescents, let us also allow ourselves to learn from them and grow, because if we stop growing, our demise begins. Let us focus on the good opportunities they have, and the good they do, as opposed to constantly focusing on the negative. This boosts dopamine. We need to allow them to develop their talents, as this is the best time to do so, and as said earlier, this is the basis of not only their future, but the future of our species.

I thank my two adolescents for teaching me so much, and for challenging me in many situations, because it keeps me on my toes and all of us know that we are in this together.

The physical body is not truly ours. It belongs to planet earth. We can call it our own while we reside in it, but it does not belong to us (Pierre de Chardin)

My mother taught us that God is at the centre of our being. She was a perfect example of seeking God. At the time, the popular concept was that we had to seek God in order to relate with Him. Going to church was equated with finding God. If you did not go to church, then there was something wrong with you. The church was where God lived.

This concept gave rise to several interpretations about our spirituality. It appeared as if God was out there, and you had to go out of your way to find Him. This separation implied that we are physical human beings who had to seek the Divine and invite It to come and dwell within us. We had to keep repeating this invitation in order to ensure that the Divine stayed in us.

I remember feeling guilty when I did not feel “divine” as I was growing up. I was made to believe that being divine was an emotion that I had to feel, especially when I went to church, more so when I received holy communion. I could not tell anyone about this because I was so ashamed of it.

The world of dualism often implies that a lot of effort is needed in order to integrate the different parts. It implies dichotomy. Dichotomy often gives rise to struggle. When we experience separation, it impacts on the quality of our life and our relationships. There is so much unhealthy competition in our world, where only the fittest survive. Dualism denotes lack and limitation. We are always chasing after something more, we have insatiable desire for fulfilment, we are always struggling for the next level. We chase things, and often, the more we have, the more we feel we need. We lack time – the most precious commodity – and are always in a hurry. We feel conditioned by so many things, and we end up living either in the past or in the future.  

Today, thankfully, we have a better understanding of our spirituality. Spirituality is the here and now. In the Bible, when God called Moses out of the burning bush, and Moses asked him who He was, He answered: I am who I am – meaning, I am the present, the here and now. Time has no significance to God, because He is the Spirit.

When we believe that we are spiritual beings in a human body, we focus on the things that really matter. Every moment is precious because it carries grace. We are integrated. We embrace ourselves the way we are and work towards growth, because spirit moves, it is not static. We appreciate ourselves as we are, without comparing ourselves with other people. We take care of ourselves because we believe in our worth – which is not external but internal. Everything external only serves to intensify what is internal. We see the world through the eyes of a child – we marvel at everything we see, and take delight in the most banal things. We respect ourselves, others, and the cosmos, because everything is connected. Our wellbeing impacts on the wellbeing of others, and others` wellbeing impacts on ours. We do not allow ourselves to be confined – because the spirit is free – it has no boundaries. Love propels our very essence. We are freed from greed and unhealthy competition, which breeds hate, disease, and resentments. When we experience separation from others, when there are disputes, when we harbour anger and resentment, when we refuse to forgive, we are living against the divine in us – we do not feel well, because we have broken the channel that makes us whole. The knot in our stomach and other unpleasant sensations show us that there is some blockage, flow has been interrupted. It is only when we restore the flow, when we repair, that we can feel whole again.

We see everything with eyes of appreciation. We do not stop at external beauty, but at what lasts forever.

Our nature is cooperation, not competition. Our physical body is like a car. The spirit inhabits this body, and instructs it on what to do, where to go, and how to do everything. The spirit will not mislead us.

If we believe that we are spiritual beings with a human experience, then we shall be connected with ourselves and with each other intimately. Our incarnation is the culmination of this inner connectedness – the divine becoming human. Jesus himself was the perfect example of this – His incarnation explicitly showed this union. He was close to everything that surrounded Him. What humanity did to Him did not change who He was. His message is very clear.

When we stop to connect with our innermost being, we experience freedom – time becomes irrelevant – we receive all inspiration, and we are at home. We connect with our true nature, which is divine, and get direction on how to live our physical life. We feel one with others, with the cosmos. There is no separation, we are not afraid, because we are unmovable. Our happiness and peace become less and less dependent on the outside world. This gives us the strength to live every situation in our life with motivation and enthusiasm. We become love, peace, and happiness, because we merge with everything else, and whatever happens in our life only strengthens that conviction. We exercise unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion, peace, happiness, and harmony. Then we live forever.

When I accept myself as I am, then I can change (Carl Rogers)

Most of us were taught that virtue lies in beating ourselves up. This is also called self-flagellation. How many times have you found yourself saying: “I am so stupid!” after making a mistake? This is what we learned – to equate what we are with what we do. This, to me, is the worst disaster in human development because it camouflages our real identity. And what is that identity?

We have learned to always strive for more, we cannot afford to be satisfied, we have to keep acquiring more and more, and the more we acquire, the more likely we are to be unhappy – it is a self-fulfilling prophecy and a vicious cycle. When we strive to become infallible and to retain our position at the top, we cannot escape suffering (Emma Seppala). We have learned that we MUST be the BEST, and sometimes, at all costs. This perpetuates unhappiness and loneliness because we treat ourselves harshly when we do not measure up.

How many of us had some experience of being compared to another person? As a child, I remember being told: “Why can`t you be like Regina? She is so good mannered, excels in school, and helps her mother a lot at home”. This made me start looking at Regina with contempt – she was the object of my humiliations. I felt inadequate, I could not measure up, there was something wrong with me. I learned to dislike myself, to always compete in an unhealthy way, to want to be at the top – this is the only version that was acceptable. When I was able to beat Regina, I was happy, because now I could ward off painful feelings of inadequacy. So, I learned that self-esteem lies in competing successfully.

It is practically impossible to always be at the top, and for most of us, when we lose, we start doubting ourselves, being extremely self-critical. When others criticize us, we become even more defensive, and enraged. We become insecure, anxious, and our inner peace is replaced by stress. This can lead to stress and a sense of worthlessness, powerlessness, loneliness, vengeance, and even physical problems. When we are under stress, our sympathetic nervous system shifts to the fight/flight mode. Stress hormones (adrenalin and cortisol) are released, putting our brain on the survival mode. When we are on survival mode, other faculties in our systems shut down, because all energy is concentrated on the danger at hand. We therefore find it difficult to learn, to reason, to reach out to others, and fail to see the opportunities at hand. How do we change the trajectory of our life for the good? The answer lies in self-compassion. In self-compassion, feel good hormones (oxytocin etc.) are triggered, hormones involved in caregiving, affiliation, and love, which leads to see our worth despite what we have done or not done, and extend this to others.

Self-compassion involves re-learning about our loveliness and worth. When we come into this world, we do not have preconceived ideas about who we are – we are open to everything, we view everything with open eyes, ready to receive and absorb whatever is offered to us. We are born impeccable. We are worthy, we are lovely, we are adorable. How many times have we used these words when we look at a baby? And we mean it… We need to return to this state – we are love; we are sacred. If you reorganize the letters in the word “scared”, it becomes “sacred” – and that is what we discover of ourselves when we let go of fear and anxiety.

We need to be our best friend. This means that we need to exercise patience on ourselves. Jesus said: “Love your neighbour as you love yourself” – implying that we need to love ourselves first, and well, in order to extend this to others. We cannot give what we do not have. When our family members, friends, or acquaintances make mistakes, we tend to excuse them, to empathize with them, to be patient with them. Why can`t we exercise the same on ourselves?

Self-compassion does not mean avoiding our goals or being complacent to our flaws, or becoming self-indulgent, but it is a great motivator that leads us to see things as they really are – that we are both divine and human, and that it is normal to have weaknesses. It helps us to alleviate suffering, to heal, and be happy. It helps us to authentically reach out to others in compassion, because we know what it really means. It means taking responsibility of our own life, opening up to the Spirit that is in us for guidance – connecting with our entelechy (that part of divine me that sustains, loves, and guides me, the purpose of my being).

When we exercise self-compassion, we have a good relationship with failure – we see it as an opportunity to learn, to become better. Lack of self-compassion may lead to bitterness, resentments, and anger, which leads to self-defence or self-flagellation. Instead, with self-compassion, we view failure with calm and embrace it as part of our being human.

Self-compassion helps us to invest our energy in the right place. When we over-criticize ourselves, a lot of energy goes in there, and we feel depleted. With self-compassion, we maintain peace of mind and serenity of heart, thereby seeing more clearly what we can learn from the situation facing us. We therefore experience a sense of well-being and become of service to others.

Self-compassion helps us to accept the fact that we are enough. Our value lies in who we are, not on the approval or validation of others. Some of us may have learned to always be there for others, at the expense of our own needs. We therefore literally “deny ourselves, take up our cross” and follow other people`s needs. This can lead to resentments because at one point, we feel taken advantage of, misused, abused, and even mistreated. We alone can break this cycle by believing that we are enough, and whatever we do is born out of conviction, and we accept ourselves, warts and all, without giving in to self-flagellation.

Self-compassion can be learned. Stop everyday and spend some time with yourself in meditation, appreciate yourself, affirm yourself, and recognize the divine that is in you. Mindfulness helps us to be in touch with our deepest self, the discovery of our entelechy, and gives us a sense of infinite goodness. Just like when a child is learning to walk. When they fall, they do not beat themselves up, but get up immediately and continue, until they stop wobbling and reach their goal.

We need to be role models of self-compassion for others, we cannot underestimate what this can do to others. We need to be Auntie Rosie to ourselves and to other people (Read what this means in my book: Breaking the Cycle). If we treat ourselves with compassion, we shall consequently treat others in the same way.

Exercising gratitude on a regular basis even for the most minute things is important and it boosts self-compassion. This is the recognition that there is so much good happening in our life. It brings acceptance, balance, and harmony in our life, and leads us to invest our energy on what really matters, since what we pay attention to and practice grows stronger.

Let`s be kind to ourselves, and we shall be amazed at the way our life takes a shift towards fulfilment. Self-care is part of self-compassion. Let`s dispute those limiting beliefs that we have harboured in our lives, that caring for ourselves is selfish, and shift towards seeing our sacredness and taking responsibility to preserve it.

If you are a parent, remember that you deserve to take time for yourself, have the courage to say and do exactly that without feeling guilty. We need to practice the warmth and tenderness we give to our families on ourselves as well. As parents, we make mistakes, and beating ourselves up and constantly getting stuck in regret does not serve us or our families at all. Let`s not judge ourselves harshly or indulge in self-pity. Acknowledge what you have done, make amends, and move on.

If you are a worker, have the courage to say no when others demand your attention and you feel you would be sacrificing self-care at this expense. You cannot be all things to all people, boundaries are important. If we care for ourselves, we see clearly what needs to be done to contribute to the world we live in without feeling resentful or overwhelmed.

Let us remember that we are not alone in this, we have never been alone, irrespective of whether we feel it or not – our entelechy is with us, the divine, as well as other people – we are in this together, and together we shall overcome. Let`s not go down the self-pity avenue of “why me”, or “poor me”, but exercise the gift of who we really are, and live our life to the fullest, for this is why we are here.

When we blame, we put pandemonium back into the pandemic.

It is your fault!

How many times have we heard this phrase? How many times have WE used it?

Most of us have been brought up with the mentality to shift blame onto someone or something. Remember when you spilt milk on the floor and your mother came back and asked: Who did this? The spontaneous response was: It wasn’t me! And that obviously implied that it was someone else`s fault. And then we learned to deny our responsibility by putting the blame on anything outside of us.

Why do we blame others?

Here are some reasons why this is such a pervasive defence mechanism:

• Self-protection– when we exonerate ourselves from something, we feel safe. Owning up to mistakes can expose our vulnerability and that does not feel safe, so we shift negative focus from ourselves to other people or situations. It temporarily saves us from the feelings of guilt, shame and responsibility
• Sense of control – when our anger is triggered, and we say mean things to the person we have in front of us, we tend to blame them for causing us to say such things – so it implies that we did not lose control, the other person made us do what we did. The reality is that you felt powerless in the heat of the moment and lost it. The other person only served as a trigger, but the anger that was triggered is inside you
• Masks our fragility – we are afraid to expose our humanness and weakness, so we blame others to show that we are strong – to boost our ego in order to validate the fact that we are right. There is a scared child inside us that needs to protect itself
• Excusing one`s actions – when we blame, we justify the choices we make. For instance, when we hurt another person, we show that we did it not out of our choice, but the other person made us hurt them. Here, let`s look at abusers. Often, they blame those they abuse for being or behaving in certain ways that provoke them. A sexual abuser once told me that he abused a girl because she was dressed inappropriately and therefore he could not help it
• To attack another person – this could be unconscious, a deeply rooted style we have developed that we may not even be aware of. I was counselling a young man who was caught in robbery with violence. He told me that he decided to attack the rich because it was not justified that the rich have more than they need yet he was struggling to get by. He said he did not like the rich man in the first place, and attacking him was the right thing to do
• It removes inhibitions – when we blame, we remove our brain`s natural inhibitions that are there to prevent us from hurting other people. We build a thought pattern that allows us to act in a way that our moral compass would not allow us. For instance, when I was living in Nairobi, a neighbor used to make life difficult for everyone and was often provocative. One evening, the other neighbors decided to get together to confront him because no amount of talking diplomatically yielded any fruits. They surrounded him in the courtyard, and he got even more verbally nasty. Neighbors that were otherwise well respected, diplomatic, high level people started yelling at him and a couple hurled blows at the man. Everyone blamed this particular neighbor for “causing” these respectable people to act they way they did
• It`s a learned habit – For some, this has developed into an ingrained habit and they may not even be aware of it. This is very risky because it implies that the person is powerless and helpless, being propelled by a power greater than themselves.

Blaming is a dangerous game because it prevents us from looking at ourselves genuinely and addressing our own issues. When we blame, we put pandemonium back into the pandemic. It stifles our growth, and camouflages who we really are.

How do we stop blaming?

• Recognize and accept every time you shift blame
• We all make mistakes, and it is not what happens to us that determines who we are, but how we respond to it, because this is where our power lies
• Take a deep breath – reflect before you blame someone else or act in a defensive way
• View the situation as an opportunity for learning and growth
• Keep things in perspective – sometimes we blow things out of proportion, making mountains out of molehills. Take responsibility, and move on. Sweeping things under the carpet has the opposite effect. Own up, life is larger than that small experience
• Shift from Victim to Conqueror – you are powerful beyond measure, your playing small does not serve you or the world. Do not allow yourself to play victim for anyone or any situation
• Change beliefs – most of us have learned from our childhood that you have to appear perfect, and blaming helps you save your face. We need to dispute these limiting beliefs and see ourselves for what we really are – human as well as divine
• Remember that you are the only thinker in your own head – you can decide where to focus your thoughts. What we pay attention to grows and expands
• Look at the reasons why you blame. Are you afraid, angry, jealous, anxious? Once you recognize this, then name it, tame it, and claim it. Work on developing your sense of self-worth. You do not need to be anything to anyone. You are YOU. Period
• Know what you can control and what you cannot. This helps you choose your battles
• Invest your energy elsewhere – blaming drains our energy and leaves us feeling awful. Decide to put that energy into something more constructive.

Remember, you do not need to prove anything to anyone. You are unique, and do not be tempted to conform, break the chains that imprison you, and you will be amazed at how wonderful opportunities will present themselves for you. Be compassionate with yourself, and allow yourself to be YOU!

When we change the way we look at things,
the things we look at change (Wayne Dyer).